Starving for Love

Okay, so I know it seems that I’m a little boy crazy and fall in love with every guy, but I don’t. the thing about me is that I attract really awesome guys…who treat me like shit. They’re wonderful on paper and good with everyone, except me. Now, I know there are a couple of names floating around and you’re probably thinking that I couldn’t love any, let alone al of them. Well, The Player was my first love and my first real heartache. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for him (even though I mean nothing to him). The Ex and I went through so much together, over such a long period of time, that he’s rooted in ho I am, you know? He changed me (for better or for worse, who knows?). The Football Player, well, he was really there for me (before he got me to have sex with him) and it was really hard to not fall in love with him. Those are the three main people, The Player starting about five years ago and floating in and out. I should draw a timeline! I dated a couple of other people besides the three, but they weren’t particularly significant. Now before you think I’m jumping from guy to guy, please understand that I’ve been hurt (incredibly deep) by almost every guy I ever trusted. When a new person enters my life and treats me nicely, I fall for it. I just want to be happy you know?

It got to the point where I was starting to think something was wrong with me. Did I look for trouble because I liked the drama, the attention? Honestly, I don’t. I would much rather have a boring but happy life. It just seems that I’m destined to be treated like crap. Do I not deserve to be happy? I used to try to make myself perfect for others; maybe then they’d love me and treat me better. Pathetic and totally anti-feminist, I know. It’s a dumb mentality that just gets me hurt. In high school I came off as super confident and in control. Even though I wasn’t, I never used to let people walk all over me. God would that girl be so embarrassed by me now!

I didn’t really want ot write about this in my blog, since I didn’t want it to be about that, but since it’s a part of me it’s inevitable that it comes up. Ages ago, we’re talking grade six, my crush called me (“jokingly”) fat. I still remember where we were, how he said it and who was there. I started this super strict diet (at age 12) and stopped eating completely, unless I absolutely had to. My parents stopped it before it got too serious but that comment always stuck with me. In secondary four and five I would skip breakfast and lunch, and sometimes supper if I had the opportunity. I got rather thin, but never scary thin, and I don’t know how but it just sort of went away. That compulsion, that obsession with my weight just suddenly disappeared! That was up until I started college and stepped on the scale. I freaked out since I weighed in over the number I swore I’d never go near: 120. At 5’5, weighing 122 pounds, I was fat. Throughout my entire CEGEP schooling I yo-yoed back and forth between 110 pounds and 120. That’s when I discovered diet pills.

Diet pills from the States contain Ephedra. The maximum legal amount in Canada is 10 mg per pill, and these had 25. They make your heart race, your hands shake and you sweat a lot. You also tend to feel nauseous and I’ve thrown u before. They also make you lose weight incredibly fast. I’ve had problems with bulimia (though I never was really good at making myself throw up) and COE – compulsive over eating. I often used food to punish myself. I wasn’t good enough to be thin, I thought as I would stuff my face. I would keep eating until it hurt.

Then I went through my four hours of exercise a day cycle. Between the binging, the starving and the diet pills, you can understand the yo-yoing effect it had on my weight. I’m currently not taking any pills right now, although it’s killing me. I finished my pack last week and decided to be healthy (or as healthy as an EDnos *eating disorder diagnosis* can be). I’m starting to really freak out now and I might order some next week. I want to not order them; they’re expensive and take a toll on my body. I know they’re the easy way out the cop out but when I see the disgustingly large number on the scale I want to cry. And I did sometimes. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’m waiting to test the week out to see.

Anyways, so now you know my biggest and ugliest secret. I just want to find someone who loves me for me, you know? And yes, I know I’m young; I’m not looking for a husband. It’s just that with all the guys I know, it always feels as though I’m the one who’s just not good enough.