If It's After 12, It's Bedtime

Oh, I'm so bad.

So very, very, deliciously bad.

So, remember when I said I wanted to call The Jew, just to talk or what not? God, I hate when I have those urges. I didn't have to since he beat me to the punch. Saturday night (my first offical day of VACATION) I passed out in front of the TV while my phone charged upstairs. How very cool of me, I know. When I went upstairs I saw that I had two missed calls, a voicemail AND a text message from The Jew asking what I was doing that night. This is the second week in a row he's asking to do something with me (I'm assuming). I messaged him the next day apologizing saying I had left my cell at home when I went out. What? I have to keep up appearances, no?

He asked me if I wanted to go see him at the bar, but my mom is doing the Walk for Breast Cancer and I was going down to support her. I wouldn't have went either way. He worked all day while I was at the fundraiser but he called me and messaged me all day. I went to bed but he called me every hour while he was at a friend's party. When he got home, he called em and asked me if he could come see me and I stupidely said yes.

Okay so, I don't know why I said yes. I don't particularly have feelings for him, in fact, I'm still angry about our previous situation and I haven't let any of it out. I guess I just miss him. Or, rather, I miss the attention of a guy. I miss being cuddled and flirting and having fun. The Player hasn't called me since our Monday hook up and I'm feeling kinda down about that.

I snuck out of the house at 2 and we just drove around for about an hour. What a waste of gas! We talked for a long time about nothing and everything, important and silly stuff. It's funny because sometimes we'll find ourselves talking about serious, personal stuff but it feels so comfortable that we both don't even realize it. We, being mostly him. He tells me a lot of stuff that nobody knows. And before you cynics out there say it's just a ploy, I know it's not. I can't explain it, but I know it's not.

We drove past my church (ha ha) and in front is a huge, beautiful water fountain. He wanted to go get a closer look so we parked and kinda walked around it fifty times. Sounds corny, but it was actually pretty cute. He always makes me laugh, and we were goofing around like crazy. It was pretty romantic, with the sound of the water flowing, the soft lights and the cool breeze. We had this moment where he jokingly pushed me and we ended up really really close. He looked at me this way that always makes me melt and brushed his hands agaisnt mine before I looked away and blushed. It was getting pretty cold so we decided to leave.

We ended up parking behind this old folks home, hidden behind trees and this old patch of weeds. He has long, dark curls and when he took down his pony tail he asked if I could play with his hair. Mistake numero two. We turned off the music and I just ran my fingers through his hair, back and forth, playing with the little curls and pushing them out of his face. When I started to get more aggressive, being more forceful and massaging his scalp, it's as though the entire mood shifted. God knows why but I was so turned on in that moment. We were barely talking, and when we did it was in whispers between deep breaths. Out of complete nowehere he just got up, grabbed my face and kissed me. God, I can still feel the passion now as I write it. I love kissing him!!! We made out heavily for awhile until I heard something and got a little freaked out. We decided to leave that parking lot and drove around some more. The Jew was really turned on and just wanted to find another quiet spot for us to be alone.

We ended up driving past this parc not far from my house. On the side of the street there's an opening to a forest. He dared me to go in, half jokingly, and then we did! It was pretty thrilling. When we walked in, he held my hand and squeezed it tight, how cute! That's when the crazy makeout began. It was so crazy! There we were, in this wild deserted forest, at four in the morning waiting to be caught. Let me tell you, it was so hot.

He wanted to have sex and I said no. Many times, since, well, he asked many times. I felt bad for him because I could tell that I was driving him crazy. Now, I wanted to have sex with him, really badly. Especially considering that I haven't had sex for almost two months but something kept stopping me. I just, I didn't want to be that girl anymore, you know? The one who gets the late booty call and nothing else. I'm really, incredibly tired of being that girl. I guess I should have probably said no then when he asked to see me at two in the morning. Or I should have said no when he kissed me, but I'm lonely. Sometimes it just feels good to have any contact.

I figure innocent kissing is not that bad. Sex just complicated things so much! I can't stop myself from getting attatched to people and I don't really want to go down that road again. I was actually rather proud that I resisted so strongly. When he drove me home, he knew that something was wrong and that there was a reason behind me saying no but I didn't really want to get into it. What am I supposed to say? Oh hey insertname, I've fallen for you twice before and it seems that I'm always only good enough for sex. So, sorry now you're not getting any but if you wanna kiss it's fine? The thing is, he doesn't even realize that I had feelings for him before. Guys are so stupid! After New Years, when we hooked up the second time in April/May, I told him that I had liked him before and he was shocked. Then when we hooked up again, I naively thought he would know that yes, I have feelings for you again! When we were together that time too, he would hold my hand and act like we were more than just fuck friends, so I don't get it.

Anyways, I said no and he drove me home not long after. He was pretty cute about it. He parked a little farther away from my house and said he still wanted to talk before he let me go. I thought he would be mad, which I guess he was frustrated sexually, but he handled it good. I snuck back inside and waited for him to message me that he was home.

I forgot to mention that a really weird thing happened while I was in the forest with The Jew. I haven't spoken or heard from The Football Player in ages, and after my moment of carification I really feel like my eyes finally opened and I saw the larger picture. I barely think of him or miss him and I think I can say that I moved on, completly. I hadn't thought about him for ages until that moment in the forest when I was making out with The Jew. For some reason he just poped into my head. I just had this like moment where I could remember exactly how it felt to kiss his lips, and to have his arms around me. That thought, or sensation, went as quickly as it came. Strange no?

I've come to the conclusion that if it's after 12, I should go to bed. LOL.