Not So Strong

I’m still messaging The Player- almost everyday. We were supposed to meet a couple of times but our plans always fell through. I know, it’s so wrong but, well I don’t have an explanation. It’s just wrong- period. I went on his facebook profile and saws that he was tagged in someone’s birthday pictures. There were about three with The Girlfriend. Yeah, I don’t really k now what to say. What did I really expect? I know he has a girlfriend, and obviously they go out to parties and kiss but I never really had to see them together. It was almost like an eye opener, actually looking at them together. I wasn’t about to cry about it though (I used to) and I guess you could say I was sad but I was more disappointed, both in him and myself. I decided to go to the gym in order to focus my energy constructively which is when he decided to text message me. This is what he said:

TP: what’s going on
Me: im at the gym.. u?
TP: nothing im bored

I should probably say that we almost never talk on the phone, always through text messages. Strange, I know. I didn’t feel like wasting text messages on petty conversation plus I was busy so I never answered back. Almost an hour later he messaged me again. It’s funny because I knew he was going to, deep down in my gut. I knew he was going to ask to meet up and I planned this whole speech to give him when he did (I like to be prepared). God, do I love it when I’m right!

TP: wanna meet?
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
TP: why?
Me: look I really love being friends with you and I definitely love being uh, intimate with you but I don’t wanna be someones secret cuz im better than that
TP: don’t assume right away ok I also enjoy speaking to you there is a lot of things going on and I wanted to speak to u
Me: okay well obviously u can call me anytime for anything but when were together ur irresistible so if u need something just call or message me
TP: right now I need a hug but clearly youre not here for me
Me: look.. I saw ur pictures on facebook.. u look really happy and I don’t wanna ruin that for u.. im sorry ur upset but if u need to talk u have my number *hug*
TP: I cant believe youre doing this honestly I thought you would be by my side forever whenever I need you. Im so hurt
Me: im not gonna feel guilty for doing whats good for you especially since u still have the option to talk to me on the phone
TP: I don’t do the phone and you know that. Ur being ridiculous
Me: well I already explained myself and hopeful lull realiz im right and not be mad.. im still at the gym I can call you later if not I hope you feel better xox
TP: just call me when ur done and it would be nice if u could pass by for ten minutes

I continued my workout afterwards. I usually stay at the gym until closing which is at ten
o’clock. I was actually planning to call him later on but he messaged me before I got
home to do so.

TP: my hopes are up for nothing eh?
Me: love im not gonna meet u sorry
TP: why.. I need to talk :(
Me: you wont behave and I wont stop you
TP: I will I promise.. its that or I hold this against u forever
Me: you cant and wont hold this against me forever liar
TP: I swear I will and I can hold a grudge trust me.. are u willing to take that chance?
Me: ur just being mean and cruel
TP: pretty please baby ill be a gentleman
Me: im sorry :(
TP: I am honestly angry

I decided to go shower. I was pretty sweaty from my 4 hour workout, tired, and figured I
would just call him afterwards. He messaged me again! I answered after I got out of the
shower.

TP: im so upset:( ill never forgive you
Me: okay im not gonna feel bad for refusing to lower myself to a mistress level or for putting ur best interest first not stop being mean and tell me whats wrong
TP: that’s whats wrong I didn’t want a mistress I just wanted someone to talk with
Me: fine be like that goodnite xox
TP: don’t goodnight me ill be at ur house in 5 minutes
Me: stop okay
TP: no I want to see u
Me: stop!
TP: why!
Me: ive said it a million times
TP: okay goodnight
Me: urg don’t make me regret it.

Yeah, I’m weak. I felt so guilty though! He was being so pitiful and I really know and understand what it’s like to be upset and just want a hug. Besides, I knew I would never be able to forgive myself if something was horribly wrong and I didn’t see him. He said he would behave and, well, I foolishly believed him.

He was at my house in literally five minutes. Thank goodness my hair dries quickly! I decided to be the least seductive and attractive as possible. I wore no makeup, jeans and a wife beater. Okay I lie, I wore a push up bra too but come on! I can’t look like a complete ogre!

I went outside and guess who’s not wearing any clothes? Yeah. Okay so he had shorts on, but that’s pretty much it. Honestly, the scene was just so ridiculous that I started to laugh hysterically. I jokingly slapped him and we drove to the parking lot of my shopping center, which is about two minutes away from my house.

There we are, in a quiet, deserted, dark parking lot with him practically naked in front of me. Did I mention he’s incredibly sexy? His body is delicious and he always, no matter what, smells like Ferrarri Black. Without fail. He has the most adorable face ever with a little button nose and soft lips, and I can never say no to his eyes. His face is so boyish that it’s almost innocent, even when he smirks. When I’m with him he’s just so freaking adorable that I have to stop myself from pinching his cheeks! URG!

The whole behaving plan? Total scam! I got really mad at him because he tricked me into seeing him when I knew it was wrong, and I knew what he wanted all along. My abusive side came out again. He told me that he did want to talk to me but it’s a long conversation that’s why he messaged me at eight (it was eleven). Oh.

To make what could potentially be a very long and drawn out story- we so hooked up. We didn’t actually have sex; we did everything but. I know, I know; I’m so horrible!! I tried incredibly hard to resist him, I said no a couple of times. I even asked him how he didn’t feel guilty! He told me how things weren’t going well with his girlfriend (this was clearly not going to help) and that he didn’t even know if they were going to stay together. That’s apparently what he wanted my advice on. Yes, asking your new whatever I am about your current love life is always a good thing to do. I know that I have no good defense but when he said this I sort of started to picture him as single. Wrong wrong wrong! Sigh. I realize now that I subconsciously think that he’s going to breakup with his girlfriend to be with me, which is how I’m somewhat justifying my behavior to myself. How screwed up am I! It’s not like he’s ever promised me anything (he’s too smart for that), but for some reason I think that that’s what’s going to happen. I’m not even sure if I would even date him! Which, of course, makes things much worse because what is the point of what I’m doing! He would probably cheat on me and I barely even know who he is now. Sure, I know the key traits of his personality, but it’s not like we’re super close anymore. For some reason though, I always feel connected to him, bonded.

While we were together I asked him why he never kisses me. I mean, he kisses my body and my face, but he never kisses my actual lips. It drives me insane. You know in Julia Roberts’ movie where she plays a stripper and never kisses her men because it’s personal? Well that’s what it feels like. It’s as though kissing is too intimate and we’re just fucking. I told him exactly that and he sort of blushed. His explanation? He thinks that kissing my body and face is more arousing so he pays more attention to that. I do believe him, it’s something I can see him thinking but he’s so wrong. Well, now he knows and he kissed me, a lot. It’s so wrong but whenever I think of him it’s like my body physically aches to touch him. I can’t even explain it. When I’m around him it’s impossible for me not to touch him. Granted, I could not make it so sexual but things just lead to another. I’m not making excuses, I have no excuse, I’m just giving an explanation I guess.

So, once again I fooled around with this girl’s boyfriend. I’m a slut! And now, I’m all confused about how I really feel. Oh, and I also now have to give him unbiased advice about his current love life situation. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? Why do I do this!