I'm A Slut

I hate cheaters. I really do. And I hate those who participate in the cheating also. So I guess you could say I totally hate myself :(. Sigh.

I tried really hard to avoid The Player. Especially since he didn’t call me. Okay, I get it, he’s not my boyfriend and clearly he just uses me for sexual purposes, whether it be in person or just to jack off to (yeah pretty gross visual eh). I understand that, I’ve accepted it, in fact, I need no reminding thank you. Somehow, I still allow it though. URG. Where is my self respect? Cuz I miss you.

I would just like to point out that The Player is really, incredibly good at his game. Expert, pro player I would say. He knows how to make you feel guilty (yeah!!!! How the fuck does he make ME feel guilty?!), he knows how to get you to do what he wants, to forget reason and sanity. He also knows exactly what to say to make you feel better and to feel loved. He asked to see me, almost a month after The Anniversary Visit but I politely declined (and before you all scream for joy, it’s only because I didn’t wash my hair.. I suck). He’s been messaging me really cute things lately and I know it’s wrong but I just want to ignore the fact that he has a girlfriend for a little while okay? Anyways, last week he messaged me saying he was going to New York and I had the car after work so I messaged him saying we should see each other. He continued to message me until randomly, bam! He stops. I was so angry!!! Like, okay, I understand I’m the other woman and he owes me nothing and I deserve what I get (I’m my own worst critic) but I hate being ignored. It’s the worst thing you can do to me honestly.

Then Monday (yesterday) he messaged me saying he was home alone all day and wanted to see me. At that point I was so angry and annoyed that he made me let go of all my values and beliefs, that I’m doing exactly what I hate that I just told him, politely because I wasn’t going to waste any more energy on him that “I’m really angry with you, you treat me like garbage but there’s no point in arguing about it, so please stop text messaging me and enjoy your day off”. He didn’t understand why I was mad, and even called me but I ignored his call. About half an hour later he messaged me again asking why I ignored his call and I told him, once again, politely that I was tired of being used only when he’s horny, that he has a girlfriend and that he should please stop messaging me. He texted back something but I just ignored it.

I went to the gym and honestly, it felt really good to stand up for myself and my rights as a person. I deserve to be treated better than that and to be respected. I went to bed and at around 11 30 he messaged me again saying “good night sleep tight sorry for upsetting you.. youre beautiful”.. urg why does he have to be so cute!! You cannot deny the cuteness! And then he said we needed to talk about something important and he called me to tell me that he wanted to give me space and time today to cool off before he made sure that I understood that he wasn’t just using me for whatever purposes, just that he can’t resist me for some reason (yeah okay). He also said he would love to go out just for coffee or to hang out but when he’s around me he can’t help himself. Load of crap right? I mean, come on! You have a girlfriend, restrain yourself! Plus, isn’t that a crappy excuse to just get laid and not have to do any date work? But yeah, I fell for his crap. We hung up and then he messaged me saying he misses me and that tomorrow we should see each other. I said he can’t behave himself so no. I need to stay strong- which I can do if I don’t see him. God!

So today, I messaged him through facebook (which, I’m addicted to) saying good morning, I appreciate him calling me to make me feel better and to have a good day hugs and kisses. Yeah. I’m a freaking slut.