Wowwwwwww!
I don't even know where to start...
Yesterday The Football Player called me and I hung up on him. Then I messaged him saying "i don't want to talk to you so don't bother calling me or even messaging me back for that matter". Naturally, the crazy self that I am, I waited for him to message back. He just said okay whatever. Then I let my insane self go into full panic mode. What if The Sister spoke to him? He never calls me (especially not at 8 pm, if he does its more like 3 am). Then I thought to myself, what if he called because something's wrong? So, the idiot that I am, I messaged him around 11 pm asking if he was okay and if he had called me for anything important. To which he replied, why are you messaging me? Okay, granted, I was rude to him first but he totally deserves it. Urg! I was so angry I just went to bed.
Anyways, so today was the day I meet The Sister who might potentially turn into The Roomate and I was SUPER nervous! My aunt drove me to the metro (cuz I had went downtown with my cousin to watch a movie) and I was a little early -forty five minutes- so I went shopping at a boutique right next door. The Football Player called me from this totally weird new number and asked why I was talking to his sister and what was I trying to sell to her. Apparently, she buys a lot of stuff off ebay etc etc. I just kinda brushed him off and hung up quickly, not explaining anything. The The Sister called me, saying she was outside. Then The Football Player called me, but I hung up on him *blush*.
So I get along super well with The Sister. Like, amazingly so! Football Player called her, then me (again, I didn't pick up). I bet he was freaking out wondering what I was doing with his sister LOL. Good, serves him right. He left me some cryptic message saying to relax and asking if I was trying to get info on him and get in the family (urg!). He is so cocky sometimes! I even told him to get over himself and that his over inflated ego should be deflated :)
The appartment, by the way, is super cute and so close to the metro! I think if The Roomate says he can't move out, then I'm going to take this one (yikes). I know it's totally weird that it's The Football Player's sister, but she's totally cool and the appartment is super awesome for me! In fact, I'm kinda hoping that The Roomate says he can't move out (how awful of me!). I only find out tomorrow morning though, and then I have to call to confirm or reject the appartment with The Sister. Oh, and now The Football Player is harassing me to know why I'm moving out blah blah. I guess I missed the memo saying he cares. Sigh.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
Monday, July 30, 2007
Drama, Drama, Drama
Soooooooooo it's The Football Player's sister. Yeah, it's been confirmed. I asked her through an email (im so chicken) and we're meeting up tomorrow so I can see the appartment.
I swear to god I'm not a stalker.
I can't really tell her, no sorry I'm not interested in the appartment anymore cuz I hate your brother. But it would be TOTALLY insanely weird if I moved in with his sister! How awkward! How bizarre! How stalkerish!
Yesterday, btw, The Football Player messaged me to come see him and I politely told him no thank you. To which he responded, duck you. Yeah, he can't even take the time to make sure he spelled it properly. Honestly, this kid is so incredibly childish! Just because he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it he gets all grumpy and mean. Am I really supposed to drop everything just because the all mighty one decided to pay attention to me? In any case, I was busy and he hasn't spoken to me in ages! Why would I go visit him? Especially after he ignores me all the time!
See.. this is making me incredibly nervous about The Sister. Like, wtf?! Some little twisted part of my screwed up brain though is day dreaming of me moving in with The Sister, and The Football Player coming over and he falls madly in love with me. The Sister adores me, and I get introduced to the family and everyone lives happily ever after. God, how gay am I. But really, I can't think of things like this! First off, I did not plan for it to be The Sister, and I can't make my decision based on the potential outcome of the situation if I do move in with The Sister. Things could go drastically wrong like, The Sister and I could hate each other (although I doubt it). The Football Player sees me as part of The Family a.k.a. not the girlfriend. But hey! Do I even want him to think of me as the girlfriend? He's a loser who treated me like poo for the longest time and he hurt me so much. He got me so attatched and I trusted him completly only to be completly betrayed by him. Ahhhhh this is so confusing!! This is too much drama for my little brain, I'm going to bed.
I swear to god I'm not a stalker.
I can't really tell her, no sorry I'm not interested in the appartment anymore cuz I hate your brother. But it would be TOTALLY insanely weird if I moved in with his sister! How awkward! How bizarre! How stalkerish!
Yesterday, btw, The Football Player messaged me to come see him and I politely told him no thank you. To which he responded, duck you. Yeah, he can't even take the time to make sure he spelled it properly. Honestly, this kid is so incredibly childish! Just because he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it he gets all grumpy and mean. Am I really supposed to drop everything just because the all mighty one decided to pay attention to me? In any case, I was busy and he hasn't spoken to me in ages! Why would I go visit him? Especially after he ignores me all the time!
See.. this is making me incredibly nervous about The Sister. Like, wtf?! Some little twisted part of my screwed up brain though is day dreaming of me moving in with The Sister, and The Football Player coming over and he falls madly in love with me. The Sister adores me, and I get introduced to the family and everyone lives happily ever after. God, how gay am I. But really, I can't think of things like this! First off, I did not plan for it to be The Sister, and I can't make my decision based on the potential outcome of the situation if I do move in with The Sister. Things could go drastically wrong like, The Sister and I could hate each other (although I doubt it). The Football Player sees me as part of The Family a.k.a. not the girlfriend. But hey! Do I even want him to think of me as the girlfriend? He's a loser who treated me like poo for the longest time and he hurt me so much. He got me so attatched and I trusted him completly only to be completly betrayed by him. Ahhhhh this is so confusing!! This is too much drama for my little brain, I'm going to bed.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
It's A Small & Cruel World
I sincerely think that God hates me.
Or likes to use my life an entertainment, in a sick and twisted way.
Sigh.
So after sending out a couple of emails to postings on craigslist.org looking for roomates, I got a couple of responses. Some were weirdos - delete. Others were potentials so I kept them and intend to respond when I get my response from The Roomate. Yeah, I'm a little paranoid with having everything prepared. A backup plan for the backup plan.
One of the posts was an appartment with a fireplace, everything included, and an awesome rent price. It was a little farther than I wanted to be, but still on the green metro line so it's not so bad. It also happens to be The Football Players sister. Ohmygod.
I saw her name and was like :O! How many people have the EXACT same name? And, his last name is not that common. Now, it's going to look like I'm totally stalking him. So naturally I called The Best Friend for help in a full on panic mode.
She laughed.
Okay, so I guess it is pretty amusing if it's not happening to you BUT it's happening to me and I NEED SUPPORT. Sigh. What are the chances!! I can't not respond, since that would be rude and she told me she was very interested to meet up to see if we were compatable (wow sounds like we're about to date). If I make up an excuse, well there's always the possibility that she somehow mentions my name or hears it or whatever and then what? What to do, what to do, what to do...
On another note, The Football Player text messaged me today asking what I was doing and to go see him. I said, in these exact words, "no thank you :)". Polite no? And he told me to fuck off. When I told him how attractive that was, he simply messaged back a whatever. Okay so I know he sounds like a complete asshole (which he's behaving like) but he's really not. At least he wasn't. I guess I should be happy since he's making things slightly easier (or at least, they should be).
I feel like I'm in the Jim Carrey movie where his entire life is being filmed and his whole city is really just a set but he doesn't know. Okay, you can stop filming! Life can't possibly be this cruel :(
Or likes to use my life an entertainment, in a sick and twisted way.
Sigh.
So after sending out a couple of emails to postings on craigslist.org looking for roomates, I got a couple of responses. Some were weirdos - delete. Others were potentials so I kept them and intend to respond when I get my response from The Roomate. Yeah, I'm a little paranoid with having everything prepared. A backup plan for the backup plan.
One of the posts was an appartment with a fireplace, everything included, and an awesome rent price. It was a little farther than I wanted to be, but still on the green metro line so it's not so bad. It also happens to be The Football Players sister. Ohmygod.
I saw her name and was like :O! How many people have the EXACT same name? And, his last name is not that common. Now, it's going to look like I'm totally stalking him. So naturally I called The Best Friend for help in a full on panic mode.
She laughed.
Okay, so I guess it is pretty amusing if it's not happening to you BUT it's happening to me and I NEED SUPPORT. Sigh. What are the chances!! I can't not respond, since that would be rude and she told me she was very interested to meet up to see if we were compatable (wow sounds like we're about to date). If I make up an excuse, well there's always the possibility that she somehow mentions my name or hears it or whatever and then what? What to do, what to do, what to do...
On another note, The Football Player text messaged me today asking what I was doing and to go see him. I said, in these exact words, "no thank you :)". Polite no? And he told me to fuck off. When I told him how attractive that was, he simply messaged back a whatever. Okay so I know he sounds like a complete asshole (which he's behaving like) but he's really not. At least he wasn't. I guess I should be happy since he's making things slightly easier (or at least, they should be).
I feel like I'm in the Jim Carrey movie where his entire life is being filmed and his whole city is really just a set but he doesn't know. Okay, you can stop filming! Life can't possibly be this cruel :(
Roomate Wanted?
The Roomate has decided to tell me, on Saturday, that he's still waiting for Dawson to approve his application. The application allows him to get a loan from the government where half of it is like free money (for rent, food, etc) because he has to move out since going college is too far for him. The other half he needs to pay back. Apparently, Dawson hasn't confirmed that he lives too far and has too travel too much meaning, he might not get the loan. Which, apparently means he's not moving out. Which, he decided to tell me 2 weeks after we've already been looking and planning our stuff. Yeah.
Did I mention that we (me) found the PERFECT appartment, five minutes away from McGill University, in the heart of downtown in the cutest area. It actually has 2 bedrooms, a beautiful open living room and a cutesy kitchen and bathroom? It's for sure gone now because we couldn't sign anything since he's not sure now. Wouldn't it have been wonderful if he told me this beforeeeeee I wasted all my time looking at and for appartments? Either way I need to move out by September so I need to find an appartment. I can't believe he's just waiting!!! Urg.
We're almost in august! I need to know ASAP. The wrost part is I totally fell in love with this appartment and I want it!!! Why would you waste my time making me go look at all these appartments if we can't even sign yet? We might as well have just waited until it was confirmed! So now I'm looking on craigslist.org (which btw, has like everything) for people looking for roomates. It's a little scary because well, you don't really know the people and you're planning to move in with them. Some are really creepy, like 30 yr old males looking for roomates. Others are pretty cool. I found some pretty awesome appartments with good people, I just need to go and meet them and view the appartment for myself before I make a decision. Plus, the prices are super awesome, everything included.
Now, I just need to know if the Roomate is in or out. Because honestly, I can't keep waiting for The Evil Twin to explode. It's like I hear the ticking of the bomb, but can't find the key to the locked door.
Did I mention that we (me) found the PERFECT appartment, five minutes away from McGill University, in the heart of downtown in the cutest area. It actually has 2 bedrooms, a beautiful open living room and a cutesy kitchen and bathroom? It's for sure gone now because we couldn't sign anything since he's not sure now. Wouldn't it have been wonderful if he told me this beforeeeeee I wasted all my time looking at and for appartments? Either way I need to move out by September so I need to find an appartment. I can't believe he's just waiting!!! Urg.
We're almost in august! I need to know ASAP. The wrost part is I totally fell in love with this appartment and I want it!!! Why would you waste my time making me go look at all these appartments if we can't even sign yet? We might as well have just waited until it was confirmed! So now I'm looking on craigslist.org (which btw, has like everything) for people looking for roomates. It's a little scary because well, you don't really know the people and you're planning to move in with them. Some are really creepy, like 30 yr old males looking for roomates. Others are pretty cool. I found some pretty awesome appartments with good people, I just need to go and meet them and view the appartment for myself before I make a decision. Plus, the prices are super awesome, everything included.
Now, I just need to know if the Roomate is in or out. Because honestly, I can't keep waiting for The Evil Twin to explode. It's like I hear the ticking of the bomb, but can't find the key to the locked door.
Fight For Me
I called the The Football Player on Thursday, only because I'm incredibly stupid and like to be hurt. Yeah. Because if I were smart I would just leave him alone. But somehow, someway, I always end up pressing five. Yeah, he's still on my speed dial. So, I think i called and hung up about fifty times before I finally let it ring all the way. I kept arguing with myself, and naturally the stupid part of me won. I really shouldn't have called because
1- I was still angry because he just stopped talking to me on msn after I said I wouldn't go see him
2- He never calls me and I should stop chasing after something that isn't going to happen
and
3- If he's not calling, he's not thinking of me me = he just doesn't care
Anyways, I did call and he picked up saying: why do you always call at the worst times. Well, at least I actually call is what I should have said. Usually people answer with a hi, is another thing I could have said. I said neither, instead, I meekly asked why it was a bad time. Seriously, I can be so pathetic sometimes. He kinda rmabled on about how he was on his way downtown to go to a club and he was going to call me (but he didn't) to meet up with him while he was at his friends house but he didn' want to make me drive all around (if we're going to believe this). Then he told me about his party on Friday and if I was going to be around there blah blah. I just wanted to run off the phone so I told him to have a good time and hung up as quickly as I could.
Seriously, why do I keep calling? Why do I keep arguing with him or even bothering to try? The worst part is, that after he does something stupid or hurtful I always have the best comebacks and speeches. God he makes me so mad! I am so tired of always trying to be apart of his life. I'm tired of working so hard to get just a hi from him. Is it so difficult for him to pay me the slightest attention? He makes it seem as though I'm asking for the world. I'm just fed up of these waiting games and of being hurt and of feeling as though I'm not even good enough to talk to. Put a little bit of effort. It scares me too because i know this is the last shot he's going to get, and he's screwing it all up. We're going to different schools, I'm going to be busy and I just don't want it to be completly over. But it is.
I don't really know what I expect from him. Actually, I do- it's just pretty stupid and naive of me. I want him to fight for me, to fight to keep me apart of his life. Even after I say all these speeches in my head, telling him exactly how I feel, being strong and doing what's right for me, my little imagination goes off and says what he would say. That he loves me and that he's sorry and that he doesn't want to lose me. But if I'm honest with myself, he doesn't care if he loses me. If he did, he wouldn't be taking the risks he's taking now. I keep thinking that when I'm finally gone he'll realize what he had and he'll come back bla bla but how long can I hold on to that pathetic dream? Don't I deserve someone who knows NOW what he has, and does everything he can to not lose it?
I say all this and still I want him to fight for me. When am I gonna stop caring?
1- I was still angry because he just stopped talking to me on msn after I said I wouldn't go see him
2- He never calls me and I should stop chasing after something that isn't going to happen
and
3- If he's not calling, he's not thinking of me me = he just doesn't care
Anyways, I did call and he picked up saying: why do you always call at the worst times. Well, at least I actually call is what I should have said. Usually people answer with a hi, is another thing I could have said. I said neither, instead, I meekly asked why it was a bad time. Seriously, I can be so pathetic sometimes. He kinda rmabled on about how he was on his way downtown to go to a club and he was going to call me (but he didn't) to meet up with him while he was at his friends house but he didn' want to make me drive all around (if we're going to believe this). Then he told me about his party on Friday and if I was going to be around there blah blah. I just wanted to run off the phone so I told him to have a good time and hung up as quickly as I could.
Seriously, why do I keep calling? Why do I keep arguing with him or even bothering to try? The worst part is, that after he does something stupid or hurtful I always have the best comebacks and speeches. God he makes me so mad! I am so tired of always trying to be apart of his life. I'm tired of working so hard to get just a hi from him. Is it so difficult for him to pay me the slightest attention? He makes it seem as though I'm asking for the world. I'm just fed up of these waiting games and of being hurt and of feeling as though I'm not even good enough to talk to. Put a little bit of effort. It scares me too because i know this is the last shot he's going to get, and he's screwing it all up. We're going to different schools, I'm going to be busy and I just don't want it to be completly over. But it is.
I don't really know what I expect from him. Actually, I do- it's just pretty stupid and naive of me. I want him to fight for me, to fight to keep me apart of his life. Even after I say all these speeches in my head, telling him exactly how I feel, being strong and doing what's right for me, my little imagination goes off and says what he would say. That he loves me and that he's sorry and that he doesn't want to lose me. But if I'm honest with myself, he doesn't care if he loses me. If he did, he wouldn't be taking the risks he's taking now. I keep thinking that when I'm finally gone he'll realize what he had and he'll come back bla bla but how long can I hold on to that pathetic dream? Don't I deserve someone who knows NOW what he has, and does everything he can to not lose it?
I say all this and still I want him to fight for me. When am I gonna stop caring?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Platonic Love
I used to be madly, passionately in love with this guy. I mean, head over heals, love at first sight kinda thing. I was in grade 5. LOL. We dated in high school for less than a month (i got over my crush as soon as I got him- how awful) but somehow we've now become super close friends! He's really awesome; funny, super smart (honours, science, scholarship, valedictorian for both high school AND Cegep) and one of the most charismatic guys you'll ever meet. To add onto it, he's one of the kindest, most sincere people you'll ever meet. I'm so lucky to have him in my life!
When we started Cegep, somehow, everyone knew that we dated. It was really strange. We don't flirt (well not really, just goofy stuff) and we don't act like a couple, but you can tell that there's an intimacy between us that's grown over the years. The new friends I made in Cegep would always ask me why I didn't go for him; for some reason, a guy and a girl can't possibly be JUST friends. But we are. I really feel as though we're brothers and sisters.
He went to Europe this summer for about 2 months and I miss him like crazy. He's super brave like that, going away BY HIMSELF to a whole other world. Last summer he came by my house and brought me flowers, just like that. He wanted to be spontaneous <- how cute!. Yes I swear, we're just friends.
So today, while I was showering, he called FROM EUROPE!!! He left me the cutest voicemail ever and I was so bummed that I missed his call! I carried my cell phone on me the whole day afterwards, even though I was working and I'm technically not allowed to. Was I ever glad I did! He called me at around 7 and I was so freaking excited to hear from him! It was really weird though, because after I ran to the back to pick up his call, I had this goofy smile on my face and I kept blabbing about the 8 minute call. Which is ridiculous, because 1- he's just a friend 2- it's one phone call and 3- he's just a friend. I mean, he really truly is. It would be totally weird to look at him in any other way. So whyyyyyyyy on earth did I keep blabbing about it? Why was I being so silly?
Is it possible to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex? I mean, I think it is. But today, well, today I wasn't as sure as I usually am.
The Football Player and The Game Part 2
Boys, let this be a lesson to you. Even if you're suddenly not interested in the girl after you have sex with her, even if she cries during (I didn't do this by the way, I'm just saying the worst scenarios), no matter what, do not not call her afterwards. I guarantee you, it'll be a lot less painful and sticky when you do stop calling her.
We were fighting a lot, on the rare occasions we did talk, and okay, I get it, who wants to bother calling someone if all you do is fight with them right? BUT ITS HIS FAULT. Sigh. So I got really drunk at my friend's birthday party and called him. Not the brightest plan I've ever had in my life. I basically told him that I was in love with him and he was an asshole for using me the way he did and very pathetic because if he was going to use me, he could have had more than a one night stand with me (I'm not bitter?). How did he respond? He was cute and sweet and begged me to go see him. Which I did. Yes, I drove drunk but it had been two hours since I had been drinking and I just thought that maybe if I saw him face to face it would work out. H ecame in the car and of course, just wanted to have sex. I'm stupid. I actually thought that he wanted to see me to talk to me and tell me how he felt. So I started to cry, really pathetically, and he told me that we would see each other the next day (saturday) where we could both talk soberly and calmly, kissed me on the cheek and left.
No, he didn't call.
Yes, I'm pathetically naive and thought he would.
I did call him the following week and you wanna know what he said? I did freak out on him, fine, but I am so tired of his stupid mind games. Just apologize for what you did, understand that it's wrong and let me move on instead of trying to string me along. Nope, he did none of this. He just repeated everything that I've said to him ("it's cuz I'm an asshole"). He had no response, no defense, NOTHING.
So it's established that he's an asshole. But it still really, really hurts and I still, for God know's what reason, can't let him go. Why do I keep thinking he's going to change? Why do we women do this?
I went to go see him last week because I hadn't seen him since April and yeah, he's an asshole but he's an asshole that I really miss. It went pretty well, nothing happened between us although there was the like want to from both of us. He even asked me if I made room for him in my schedule next semester. (Cute!!!). I left, and honestly I felt like a sense of closure. It hurts, I miss him but he's not who he was and he won't magically turn into it anyways. We spoke this week and he told me how much he missed me and that he was thinking about me all day bla bla bla. Yes boys, I stupidely fell for it. It's established that all he wants is sex from me. It's just that when he tells me all those sweet things, I kinda stupidely melt :(. He wanted me to go see him (which I would have went if I had been allowed to take my parents' car) and I said no and he stopped talking to me. Yeah.
I hate him.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
The Football Player and The Game
I hate him :)
Is there a particular reason why guys like to play The Game? I hate The Game. What is the point of playing with someone's head, like really? There are plenty of girls (especially in this millenium) that are more than willing to be fuck friends. Friends with benefits. Wham bam thank you mam. Why, oh why, do you losers feel the need to devote your time and attention into an almost relationship only to leave RANDOMLY after you get whatever it is you wanted? Ummmmmm?
I used to be awesome at The Game. No honestly, I was like, The Queen. Maybe I have bad Karma and God is punishing me, although to be fair, I never ever intentionally hurt anyone. In fact, I was so good at The Game that I got them to fall for me like that *snaps fingers* but managed to not send them signals that would get their hopes up. That's how good I was.
And them somewhere, along the years of stupid awful high school, I managed to actually fall in love. Which, by the way, is awful. I won't bore you with the details of The Ex, but it was bad. So I got pretty fucked up from there on. Well, to be fair, I was probably a little bit cracked before The Ex came along, but he just broke me.
So when I started college I met The Football Player. Who, by the way ladies, is a gorgeous 6'5 (well, apparently now he's 6'6 but whateverrrrrrrr how do boys grow STILL?) charismatic and funny guy. So The Football Player went to high school with The Ex, and of course, (because it was High School after all), knows all about me. He introduces himself and we kind hit it off from there. We started seeing each other (i guess?) for most of first semester. Until, he suddenly stops calling me. Yup ladies, the sudden disappearence act. Which, I was very hurt by but at the time The Ex came back into my life so I threw myself into that (big mistake). The Football Player came back into my life 2nd semester/ish when I was having problems with The Ex (long story). His explanation? Apparentlyyyyy he heard that I said he gave me an std from oral sex. Which, btw, so not true. Like, for starters, if it HAD been true, would I really go around broadcasting this? No. Especially since nobody knew we were fooling around. And then, if this was said about you, would you not confront the person? Especially since its not true? Was I not good enough to confront? You know, the whole, don't bother there not worth it bla bla crap that nobody ever really listens to when they still care. But this is insulting towards him seeing as, you know, its not true. And why is he suddenly talking to me again? Anywaysssssss I fell for his excuse (I swear, I did get accepted to McGill, I'm not a complete morron). I stopped talking to one of my close friends because of this (she apparently started the rumor).
Summer comes along and we somewhat talk, but it's still awkward cuz we had stopped talking for such a long period. Then 3rd semester starts and we kept seeing each other cuz our schedules were perfectly in sync and it was like nothing ever happened. The Football Player keeps hitting on me and trying to hook up but I was still hurt by the sudden abandonment (i have those issues) and I didn't want to get hurt. Now, as I type this, I realize it's pretty stupid because it was as if we were dating without the title. We spoke every single day (literally), hung out together in school and we're really close. In fact, most people assumed I was his girlfriend. In December, when he went to visit his mom in Calgary, he called me. Everyday.
So the last semester starts and I'm totally into The Football Player but I'm dumb and I refuse to think that maybe he won't hurt me. See, The Football Player totally gets me, inside and out. I'll say one thing, but he knows I mean another. And he knows how to treat me when I'm sad/angry/whatever and always always always knows what to say to make me feel better. He was 100% there for me when The Ex was using me and he would listen to me cry on the phone and not get mad if I just wanted to cry and not talk but still have him there. He was compassionate, and understanding and really gentle with me. Did I also mention totally funny and adorable too? Yeah I don't know why I fucked this up. See, The Football Player has all these amazing qualities that, well, every girl in the entire Cegep has noticed. He's super popular and I didn't particularly feel like participating in a competition. Then there's the whole, he's black he'll cheat on you thing that some retard at my work decided to tell me constantly. Which made me super paranoid.
The Football Player and I went through this whole back and forth game, which I guess can be my fault too. I'll take responsibility but you know, I was scared. And I've been hurt REALLY badly in the past. Yes yes I know, it's not an excuse, but it's kind of an explanation. Anyways we made plans on Valentine's Day- I would make him breakfast and then we would go to the metro together, him to school me to the doctor (regular check up). He came over and I was sooooooooo nervous! Shaking jittering nervous. My chocolate chip pancakes came out o-kay and we went upstairs to my bedroom afterwards (he took control and wanted to go there.. umm wonder why). We slid into bed and cuddled. For 2 hours. Yes boys, he had me in bed and cuddled me for 2 hours! It was the cutest, most loving experience I've ever had. To just lie in his arms, having him rub my back and just kinda breathing near me. I can't even describe the feeling of complete and utter comfortableness and tenderness and wow. So we had sex. Twice :)
We walked to the bus stop to go to the metro where he ran into his friend (a chick) and 1- didn't introduce me 2- said he was visiting a "friend" <- who he just has sex with. Yeah. Not feeling so great anymore. Oh but it gets worse. We get on the bus and he turns on his MP3 or whatever music thing on. Yeah. Completly and totally ignores me. Cuz I definitely don't feel vulnerable and hurt at all now! When we get off the bus he pecks me on the cheek and tells me he'll call me.
Okay so, I could be reading into it more than I should. I just feel very vulnerable. Did he call? No. Oh and by the way, we had plans on that same Friday (2 days after Vday) that he never called to cancel but forgot. Yeah. He called me about a week later where I decided to play cool and tell him I was busy. And then we stopped talking for a month. A month.
Apparently I'm crazy for feeling hurt and used and betrayed. Because, I'm not his girlfriend and he doesn't have to call me everyday and I expect too much of him. Despite the fact that he's been calling me everyday for almost a year even when he's out of town. Yeah. He feels that he shouldn't always have to chase me and he also felt that the time to really show me that would be right after we have sex for the first time when I'm terrified to trust him and have been used in the past. He's smart eh my football player. Genius.
Anyways this story is pretty long and was just the prelude to what happened recently. I'll continue tomorrow!
Is there a particular reason why guys like to play The Game? I hate The Game. What is the point of playing with someone's head, like really? There are plenty of girls (especially in this millenium) that are more than willing to be fuck friends. Friends with benefits. Wham bam thank you mam. Why, oh why, do you losers feel the need to devote your time and attention into an almost relationship only to leave RANDOMLY after you get whatever it is you wanted? Ummmmmm?
I used to be awesome at The Game. No honestly, I was like, The Queen. Maybe I have bad Karma and God is punishing me, although to be fair, I never ever intentionally hurt anyone. In fact, I was so good at The Game that I got them to fall for me like that *snaps fingers* but managed to not send them signals that would get their hopes up. That's how good I was.
And them somewhere, along the years of stupid awful high school, I managed to actually fall in love. Which, by the way, is awful. I won't bore you with the details of The Ex, but it was bad. So I got pretty fucked up from there on. Well, to be fair, I was probably a little bit cracked before The Ex came along, but he just broke me.
So when I started college I met The Football Player. Who, by the way ladies, is a gorgeous 6'5 (well, apparently now he's 6'6 but whateverrrrrrrr how do boys grow STILL?) charismatic and funny guy. So The Football Player went to high school with The Ex, and of course, (because it was High School after all), knows all about me. He introduces himself and we kind hit it off from there. We started seeing each other (i guess?) for most of first semester. Until, he suddenly stops calling me. Yup ladies, the sudden disappearence act. Which, I was very hurt by but at the time The Ex came back into my life so I threw myself into that (big mistake). The Football Player came back into my life 2nd semester/ish when I was having problems with The Ex (long story). His explanation? Apparentlyyyyy he heard that I said he gave me an std from oral sex. Which, btw, so not true. Like, for starters, if it HAD been true, would I really go around broadcasting this? No. Especially since nobody knew we were fooling around. And then, if this was said about you, would you not confront the person? Especially since its not true? Was I not good enough to confront? You know, the whole, don't bother there not worth it bla bla crap that nobody ever really listens to when they still care. But this is insulting towards him seeing as, you know, its not true. And why is he suddenly talking to me again? Anywaysssssss I fell for his excuse (I swear, I did get accepted to McGill, I'm not a complete morron). I stopped talking to one of my close friends because of this (she apparently started the rumor).
Summer comes along and we somewhat talk, but it's still awkward cuz we had stopped talking for such a long period. Then 3rd semester starts and we kept seeing each other cuz our schedules were perfectly in sync and it was like nothing ever happened. The Football Player keeps hitting on me and trying to hook up but I was still hurt by the sudden abandonment (i have those issues) and I didn't want to get hurt. Now, as I type this, I realize it's pretty stupid because it was as if we were dating without the title. We spoke every single day (literally), hung out together in school and we're really close. In fact, most people assumed I was his girlfriend. In December, when he went to visit his mom in Calgary, he called me. Everyday.
So the last semester starts and I'm totally into The Football Player but I'm dumb and I refuse to think that maybe he won't hurt me. See, The Football Player totally gets me, inside and out. I'll say one thing, but he knows I mean another. And he knows how to treat me when I'm sad/angry/whatever and always always always knows what to say to make me feel better. He was 100% there for me when The Ex was using me and he would listen to me cry on the phone and not get mad if I just wanted to cry and not talk but still have him there. He was compassionate, and understanding and really gentle with me. Did I also mention totally funny and adorable too? Yeah I don't know why I fucked this up. See, The Football Player has all these amazing qualities that, well, every girl in the entire Cegep has noticed. He's super popular and I didn't particularly feel like participating in a competition. Then there's the whole, he's black he'll cheat on you thing that some retard at my work decided to tell me constantly. Which made me super paranoid.
The Football Player and I went through this whole back and forth game, which I guess can be my fault too. I'll take responsibility but you know, I was scared. And I've been hurt REALLY badly in the past. Yes yes I know, it's not an excuse, but it's kind of an explanation. Anyways we made plans on Valentine's Day- I would make him breakfast and then we would go to the metro together, him to school me to the doctor (regular check up). He came over and I was sooooooooo nervous! Shaking jittering nervous. My chocolate chip pancakes came out o-kay and we went upstairs to my bedroom afterwards (he took control and wanted to go there.. umm wonder why). We slid into bed and cuddled. For 2 hours. Yes boys, he had me in bed and cuddled me for 2 hours! It was the cutest, most loving experience I've ever had. To just lie in his arms, having him rub my back and just kinda breathing near me. I can't even describe the feeling of complete and utter comfortableness and tenderness and wow. So we had sex. Twice :)
We walked to the bus stop to go to the metro where he ran into his friend (a chick) and 1- didn't introduce me 2- said he was visiting a "friend" <- who he just has sex with. Yeah. Not feeling so great anymore. Oh but it gets worse. We get on the bus and he turns on his MP3 or whatever music thing on. Yeah. Completly and totally ignores me. Cuz I definitely don't feel vulnerable and hurt at all now! When we get off the bus he pecks me on the cheek and tells me he'll call me.
Okay so, I could be reading into it more than I should. I just feel very vulnerable. Did he call? No. Oh and by the way, we had plans on that same Friday (2 days after Vday) that he never called to cancel but forgot. Yeah. He called me about a week later where I decided to play cool and tell him I was busy. And then we stopped talking for a month. A month.
Apparently I'm crazy for feeling hurt and used and betrayed. Because, I'm not his girlfriend and he doesn't have to call me everyday and I expect too much of him. Despite the fact that he's been calling me everyday for almost a year even when he's out of town. Yeah. He feels that he shouldn't always have to chase me and he also felt that the time to really show me that would be right after we have sex for the first time when I'm terrified to trust him and have been used in the past. He's smart eh my football player. Genius.
Anyways this story is pretty long and was just the prelude to what happened recently. I'll continue tomorrow!
On The Hunt
Have any of you ever been apartment hunting?
It is SO HARD!!!
First off, there's the whole price and location. The Roomate and I have been searching on craigslist.com (which has EVERYTHING) and we've been to a couple. Now, I always search for apartments with pictures only, because I don't want to waste my time looking at something that I know I won't like. Fine, I'm picky. Apparently, The Roomate thinks that we could be missing out on the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and The One could slip us by. Well let me tell you about The One.
The One is located on Sherbrooke Street which, okay, not particularly as close as I would like to be to McGill, but manageable. It's also in a very run down, ghetto area that, yes, smells like cat pee. Have you smelled 2 week old cat pee? Not pleasant. So I immediately would like to turn back to the car and hide, but that would be rude. So we wait. And wait. And yes, we wait some more.
The One seems to be rented by a very lazy, forgetful and rather stupid female who left us waiting there for 10 minutes. Is she not supposed to want to sell her apartment as soon as possible? She opened the door for us and led us through a narrow hallway that had a stench of vomit. Probably from the person who stood outside in the pee infested entrance. The apartment, more like a room, is painted neon green and is about the size of my current washroom. I'm not joking. It has two "bedrooms"- one the size of my closet, the other a little larger. Okay, so I sound a bit snobby right? Did i mention that, along with the neon green living room/entrance/eating area, it has a fushia pink bedroom and an orange "bedroom"? Oh and the kitchen, about twice my size in width, has a 10 year old stove. The Roomate still has hope. He wants to see the bathroom. The bathroom, I won't even complain about the size, has a 50's style bath tub with a shower head and a see through curtain (the point?). Yeah. This is why I check pictures :)
There was another apartment we saw, coincidently not far from The One, which is beautiful. A newly renovated kitchen (yay!!!) and a newly renovated washroom, three bedrooms and a living room. Why am I not there signing the lease? Well, the living room is closed off, which major no no for all you designers out there and the kitchen comes with no appliances. So we're still looking.
The Hunt continues tomorrow! Stay tuned.
It is SO HARD!!!
First off, there's the whole price and location. The Roomate and I have been searching on craigslist.com (which has EVERYTHING) and we've been to a couple. Now, I always search for apartments with pictures only, because I don't want to waste my time looking at something that I know I won't like. Fine, I'm picky. Apparently, The Roomate thinks that we could be missing out on the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and The One could slip us by. Well let me tell you about The One.
The One is located on Sherbrooke Street which, okay, not particularly as close as I would like to be to McGill, but manageable. It's also in a very run down, ghetto area that, yes, smells like cat pee. Have you smelled 2 week old cat pee? Not pleasant. So I immediately would like to turn back to the car and hide, but that would be rude. So we wait. And wait. And yes, we wait some more.
The One seems to be rented by a very lazy, forgetful and rather stupid female who left us waiting there for 10 minutes. Is she not supposed to want to sell her apartment as soon as possible? She opened the door for us and led us through a narrow hallway that had a stench of vomit. Probably from the person who stood outside in the pee infested entrance. The apartment, more like a room, is painted neon green and is about the size of my current washroom. I'm not joking. It has two "bedrooms"- one the size of my closet, the other a little larger. Okay, so I sound a bit snobby right? Did i mention that, along with the neon green living room/entrance/eating area, it has a fushia pink bedroom and an orange "bedroom"? Oh and the kitchen, about twice my size in width, has a 10 year old stove. The Roomate still has hope. He wants to see the bathroom. The bathroom, I won't even complain about the size, has a 50's style bath tub with a shower head and a see through curtain (the point?). Yeah. This is why I check pictures :)
There was another apartment we saw, coincidently not far from The One, which is beautiful. A newly renovated kitchen (yay!!!) and a newly renovated washroom, three bedrooms and a living room. Why am I not there signing the lease? Well, the living room is closed off, which major no no for all you designers out there and the kitchen comes with no appliances. So we're still looking.
The Hunt continues tomorrow! Stay tuned.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Hello World!
I'm a little new to this whole blogging concept, although I have previously (and quite unsuccessfully) tried it before. I love writting, but nobody writes in a diary anymore; it's all about the newest, trendiest technology. I guess eblog is the new journal right? Anyways, I'm addicted to cosmo's bedroom blog and the new Dear World.. So i figured I'd start my own. Before anyone asks, I'll give you a little background on who I am.
I'm nineteen years old and I live in the ever so boring Laval. For those of you who have been to Laval, well, you know where I'm coming from. All that's about to change soon though because I'm looking for an appartment to share with my best friend (male) downtown before I begin my first semester at McGill (yay!). Pretty exciting right? And i guess you could say, totally and utterly terrifying! For starters, I'm a complete disaster with directions and areas and it takes me about forever to learn where I'm going. Second off, bills bills bills (doesn't that remind you of the Destiny's Child song? ha..). I can afford it, but my shopping addiction may suffer a set back. It'll save me on the therapy though. God am I such a shopaholic! And then, of course, comes the whole fear of being alone. Which, by the way, you will see creeping about as I blog more and more. Boys boys boys. God. Of course I have The Roomate (which is what my bst friend/roomate will be known as), but living in such close quarters may cram our friendship. And we have such drastically different styles! Yikes.
I'm also moving because of Family Drama. My twin (noooo you dirty boys out there, it is not a female twin) has, well, lets say "special needs" along with quite a temper. And by "special needs" I mean, needs to get exactly what he wants, when he wants. It got really bad 4ish years ago, when he decided to use the walls or better yet, my face, as his punching bag. My parents like me to never bring that "incident" up. He's been kicked out on and off again <- sounds like a bad relationship huh? -> and the last time it was The Last Straw. My parents seemed to have a lot more straws on their end though because of course he came back. That, of course, created a whole new set of problems since my father had sworn up and down that Evil Twin would never be back if I didn't press charges ("Incident" number 2). In any case, my built up anger/resentment combined with the impossibility of living with Evil Twin and upcoming university is what's making me move out.
Okay so that's pretty much where I'm at now. Naturally theres the whole Love Drama that I have in my life (which has been apart of my life since I was, oh, about five) but that'll be a whole other blog. Until then, bye loves!
I'm nineteen years old and I live in the ever so boring Laval. For those of you who have been to Laval, well, you know where I'm coming from. All that's about to change soon though because I'm looking for an appartment to share with my best friend (male) downtown before I begin my first semester at McGill (yay!). Pretty exciting right? And i guess you could say, totally and utterly terrifying! For starters, I'm a complete disaster with directions and areas and it takes me about forever to learn where I'm going. Second off, bills bills bills (doesn't that remind you of the Destiny's Child song? ha..). I can afford it, but my shopping addiction may suffer a set back. It'll save me on the therapy though. God am I such a shopaholic! And then, of course, comes the whole fear of being alone. Which, by the way, you will see creeping about as I blog more and more. Boys boys boys. God. Of course I have The Roomate (which is what my bst friend/roomate will be known as), but living in such close quarters may cram our friendship. And we have such drastically different styles! Yikes.
I'm also moving because of Family Drama. My twin (noooo you dirty boys out there, it is not a female twin) has, well, lets say "special needs" along with quite a temper. And by "special needs" I mean, needs to get exactly what he wants, when he wants. It got really bad 4ish years ago, when he decided to use the walls or better yet, my face, as his punching bag. My parents like me to never bring that "incident" up. He's been kicked out on and off again <- sounds like a bad relationship huh? -> and the last time it was The Last Straw. My parents seemed to have a lot more straws on their end though because of course he came back. That, of course, created a whole new set of problems since my father had sworn up and down that Evil Twin would never be back if I didn't press charges ("Incident" number 2). In any case, my built up anger/resentment combined with the impossibility of living with Evil Twin and upcoming university is what's making me move out.
Okay so that's pretty much where I'm at now. Naturally theres the whole Love Drama that I have in my life (which has been apart of my life since I was, oh, about five) but that'll be a whole other blog. Until then, bye loves!
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