Fight For Me

I called the The Football Player on Thursday, only because I'm incredibly stupid and like to be hurt. Yeah. Because if I were smart I would just leave him alone. But somehow, someway, I always end up pressing five. Yeah, he's still on my speed dial. So, I think i called and hung up about fifty times before I finally let it ring all the way. I kept arguing with myself, and naturally the stupid part of me won. I really shouldn't have called because

1- I was still angry because he just stopped talking to me on msn after I said I wouldn't go see him
2- He never calls me and I should stop chasing after something that isn't going to happen
and
3- If he's not calling, he's not thinking of me me = he just doesn't care

Anyways, I did call and he picked up saying: why do you always call at the worst times. Well, at least I actually call is what I should have said. Usually people answer with a hi, is another thing I could have said. I said neither, instead, I meekly asked why it was a bad time. Seriously, I can be so pathetic sometimes. He kinda rmabled on about how he was on his way downtown to go to a club and he was going to call me (but he didn't) to meet up with him while he was at his friends house but he didn' want to make me drive all around (if we're going to believe this). Then he told me about his party on Friday and if I was going to be around there blah blah. I just wanted to run off the phone so I told him to have a good time and hung up as quickly as I could.

Seriously, why do I keep calling? Why do I keep arguing with him or even bothering to try? The worst part is, that after he does something stupid or hurtful I always have the best comebacks and speeches. God he makes me so mad! I am so tired of always trying to be apart of his life. I'm tired of working so hard to get just a hi from him. Is it so difficult for him to pay me the slightest attention? He makes it seem as though I'm asking for the world. I'm just fed up of these waiting games and of being hurt and of feeling as though I'm not even good enough to talk to. Put a little bit of effort. It scares me too because i know this is the last shot he's going to get, and he's screwing it all up. We're going to different schools, I'm going to be busy and I just don't want it to be completly over. But it is.

I don't really know what I expect from him. Actually, I do- it's just pretty stupid and naive of me. I want him to fight for me, to fight to keep me apart of his life. Even after I say all these speeches in my head, telling him exactly how I feel, being strong and doing what's right for me, my little imagination goes off and says what he would say. That he loves me and that he's sorry and that he doesn't want to lose me. But if I'm honest with myself, he doesn't care if he loses me. If he did, he wouldn't be taking the risks he's taking now. I keep thinking that when I'm finally gone he'll realize what he had and he'll come back bla bla but how long can I hold on to that pathetic dream? Don't I deserve someone who knows NOW what he has, and does everything he can to not lose it?

I say all this and still I want him to fight for me. When am I gonna stop caring?