Dear Heart..

Goodbye Drama

2007-08-30T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to go speak to my old supervisor about getting a raise before I start at the Le Chateau downtown next week. I'm the number one sales girl since the store opened, always make my daily objectives and deserve a rasie. I've been with the company for two and a half years, no raise. Two weeks ago, I found out that The Co-Worker asked for a raise and got it, no problem. I was so pissed!! First of all, this is not the first time I ask for a raise. I asked for one last november, to which my manager agreed that I deserved one and would definitely fix things for me. Two months later, I asked her what was going on and she told me that since we were going on commission, she couldn't give us raises. Since our store is like, a 3rd class store compared to the other Le Chateau's, our commission doesn't really make a difference. Most of the time, we're paid our regular salary. I wasn't going to bother since I'm being transfered downtown and I'll definitely make commission, but when I found out she got a raise I was so outraged. I felt so underappreciated and undervalued. She barely works. She'll walk in, do nothing for an hour (she's supposed to be cleaning). Then she'll go smoke outside and talk on the phone or to whoever's working. When The Sweet One walks in she'll go for another smoke, or go shopping around. Her lunch break is always paid since she never punchs out ever. She claims she's only going to take 15 minutes, which always turns into a half hour. It's really frustrating! And she feels that she deserves priority because she's been here the longest (she started two weeks before I did). URG.

So I scheduled an appointment with my supervisor and went to go see him yesterday. I should probably mention that I'm really awkward with anything relating to money. Talking about money, asking for money, anything to do with money makes me really embarassed and awkward. I walked in and I saw The Sweet One. I was so excited to see her! She was super dark from her week in Cuba and I gave her the biggest hug. I know that The Co Worker is talking shit about me, and The Sweet One probably hears and doesn't say anything, but I can't be mad at her. I don't know why.

The Co Worker saw me and came running torwards me with a huge smile on her face. While they were on vacation, one of our co-workers asked me if things were better between us (I had told her that things were weird between us). I told her no and then she told me that she knew because The Co Worker told her. The Co Worker went and told her that I was a hypocrite, and I was also talking shit about the girl. Honestly, that made me so angry!!! It was really the last straw. This girl is seriously stuck in high school and needs to grow up. The worst part is, I never ever have spoken anything bad against this co-worker, in fact, I just defended her agaisnt our new manager AND saved her job. So ha! She didn't believe The Co Worker and told me anyways :) The Co-Worker is so god damn fake! I felt very powerful though, because she doesn't know that I know. Ha! When she went to hug me I just politely gave her two kisses and continued to talk to The Sweet One. I'm not going to be rude with her, but I'm certainly not going to go out of my way to be nice to her. I even planned what I was going to say to her if ever she asked me what was up.

The Co-Worker: what's wrong with you?

Me: I know what you've been saying about me. If you had a problem with me, I would have appreciated if you had the nerve to say it to my face rather than talking shit behind my back, but I guess that just shows what type of person you are.

The Co-Worker: attempts to say something but I interrupt

Me: I'm not going to argue with you because it's not worth it- you're not worth it. You're basically a mean and controlling person and the second someone doesn't do what you think is right, you switch into this backstabbing two faced person that I don't want to know. I'm not participating in your high school drama anymore.

Yeah, I've practiced this. I'm a dork. She just makes me so angry!! But I know she's not worth it, and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of a fight. There are so many things that I can yell at her for or argue with her about, but then she wins. She's not worth it and yeah, it hurts but whatever at least I know now.

I went in the back to talk to the supervisor. He was so weird; cold and distant. He's never really been our best friend, we barely work with him but it was so strange. He said that he was going to review my papers and fix it for me, and I know I'm going to get the raise. I just wish that he would have appreciated all the hard work I've done for the company. I shouldn't have to ask- it's been two and a half years they should offer us a raise. Especially since I'm number one sales girl, I mean last week I sold more than half of what the entire store sold. He didn't even comment on it or anything. Whatever- I;m really glad to be leaving. I'm excited to get away from the high school drama that The Co Worker created, start a new, fresh job with new people who hopefully won't have the mentality of a twelve year old.

If It's After 12, It's Bedtime

2007-08-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

Oh, I'm so bad.

So very, very, deliciously bad.

So, remember when I said I wanted to call The Jew, just to talk or what not? God, I hate when I have those urges. I didn't have to since he beat me to the punch. Saturday night (my first offical day of VACATION) I passed out in front of the TV while my phone charged upstairs. How very cool of me, I know. When I went upstairs I saw that I had two missed calls, a voicemail AND a text message from The Jew asking what I was doing that night. This is the second week in a row he's asking to do something with me (I'm assuming). I messaged him the next day apologizing saying I had left my cell at home when I went out. What? I have to keep up appearances, no?

He asked me if I wanted to go see him at the bar, but my mom is doing the Walk for Breast Cancer and I was going down to support her. I wouldn't have went either way. He worked all day while I was at the fundraiser but he called me and messaged me all day. I went to bed but he called me every hour while he was at a friend's party. When he got home, he called em and asked me if he could come see me and I stupidely said yes.

Okay so, I don't know why I said yes. I don't particularly have feelings for him, in fact, I'm still angry about our previous situation and I haven't let any of it out. I guess I just miss him. Or, rather, I miss the attention of a guy. I miss being cuddled and flirting and having fun. The Player hasn't called me since our Monday hook up and I'm feeling kinda down about that.

I snuck out of the house at 2 and we just drove around for about an hour. What a waste of gas! We talked for a long time about nothing and everything, important and silly stuff. It's funny because sometimes we'll find ourselves talking about serious, personal stuff but it feels so comfortable that we both don't even realize it. We, being mostly him. He tells me a lot of stuff that nobody knows. And before you cynics out there say it's just a ploy, I know it's not. I can't explain it, but I know it's not.

We drove past my church (ha ha) and in front is a huge, beautiful water fountain. He wanted to go get a closer look so we parked and kinda walked around it fifty times. Sounds corny, but it was actually pretty cute. He always makes me laugh, and we were goofing around like crazy. It was pretty romantic, with the sound of the water flowing, the soft lights and the cool breeze. We had this moment where he jokingly pushed me and we ended up really really close. He looked at me this way that always makes me melt and brushed his hands agaisnt mine before I looked away and blushed. It was getting pretty cold so we decided to leave.

We ended up parking behind this old folks home, hidden behind trees and this old patch of weeds. He has long, dark curls and when he took down his pony tail he asked if I could play with his hair. Mistake numero two. We turned off the music and I just ran my fingers through his hair, back and forth, playing with the little curls and pushing them out of his face. When I started to get more aggressive, being more forceful and massaging his scalp, it's as though the entire mood shifted. God knows why but I was so turned on in that moment. We were barely talking, and when we did it was in whispers between deep breaths. Out of complete nowehere he just got up, grabbed my face and kissed me. God, I can still feel the passion now as I write it. I love kissing him!!! We made out heavily for awhile until I heard something and got a little freaked out. We decided to leave that parking lot and drove around some more. The Jew was really turned on and just wanted to find another quiet spot for us to be alone.

We ended up driving past this parc not far from my house. On the side of the street there's an opening to a forest. He dared me to go in, half jokingly, and then we did! It was pretty thrilling. When we walked in, he held my hand and squeezed it tight, how cute! That's when the crazy makeout began. It was so crazy! There we were, in this wild deserted forest, at four in the morning waiting to be caught. Let me tell you, it was so hot.

He wanted to have sex and I said no. Many times, since, well, he asked many times. I felt bad for him because I could tell that I was driving him crazy. Now, I wanted to have sex with him, really badly. Especially considering that I haven't had sex for almost two months but something kept stopping me. I just, I didn't want to be that girl anymore, you know? The one who gets the late booty call and nothing else. I'm really, incredibly tired of being that girl. I guess I should have probably said no then when he asked to see me at two in the morning. Or I should have said no when he kissed me, but I'm lonely. Sometimes it just feels good to have any contact.

I figure innocent kissing is not that bad. Sex just complicated things so much! I can't stop myself from getting attatched to people and I don't really want to go down that road again. I was actually rather proud that I resisted so strongly. When he drove me home, he knew that something was wrong and that there was a reason behind me saying no but I didn't really want to get into it. What am I supposed to say? Oh hey insertname, I've fallen for you twice before and it seems that I'm always only good enough for sex. So, sorry now you're not getting any but if you wanna kiss it's fine? The thing is, he doesn't even realize that I had feelings for him before. Guys are so stupid! After New Years, when we hooked up the second time in April/May, I told him that I had liked him before and he was shocked. Then when we hooked up again, I naively thought he would know that yes, I have feelings for you again! When we were together that time too, he would hold my hand and act like we were more than just fuck friends, so I don't get it.

Anyways, I said no and he drove me home not long after. He was pretty cute about it. He parked a little farther away from my house and said he still wanted to talk before he let me go. I thought he would be mad, which I guess he was frustrated sexually, but he handled it good. I snuck back inside and waited for him to message me that he was home.

I forgot to mention that a really weird thing happened while I was in the forest with The Jew. I haven't spoken or heard from The Football Player in ages, and after my moment of carification I really feel like my eyes finally opened and I saw the larger picture. I barely think of him or miss him and I think I can say that I moved on, completly. I hadn't thought about him for ages until that moment in the forest when I was making out with The Jew. For some reason he just poped into my head. I just had this like moment where I could remember exactly how it felt to kiss his lips, and to have his arms around me. That thought, or sensation, went as quickly as it came. Strange no?

I've come to the conclusion that if it's after 12, I should go to bed. LOL.

Something in The Air?

2007-08-24T08:59:00.001-07:00

I'm almost done working at The Law Firm! I'm really excited because then I have a week vacation, but I'm a little sad because I was just getting to know some of the people. I even got used to the phones!

Since I'm a serial shopper and suffering from a severe case of shopping addiction, I had bought myself a new work wardrobe. High waisted pants (3), brown pants (2) and a couple of blouses. To be fair, I had to look professional didn't I? Since I work at Le Chateau, I bought everything there and got it half off, plus I can wear these outfits to work so I'm getting my bang for my buck. (Yes, I'm trying to convince and justify my shopping). Anyways, I do love fashion and I have a pretty good sense of style. At The Law Firm, I always get compliments from both the lawyers/secretaries and the clients that come in. Dressing well really makes it easier for you to interact with others; it's sad but true. I guess that's partially one of the main reason's I'm so addicted to shopping; I know that people constantly judge me based on my apparence and I want to make a good impression. Yes, I know, they should like me for me but we all know that's not going to happen.

Anyways I happen to have a very soft and young sounding voice. I'll get either the "you sound like you're 5 comment" or the "you should work at an 1800- number". Guys- this is not a compliment! One of the lawyer's clients keeps calling me just to hear my voice. It's totally creepy! At first I would just kind of giggle and try to rush him off the phone, but lately he's been calling in the morning saying stupidities like, ohhh you're beautiful voice! I just can't stand it it gives me goosebumps! You always start off my morning so wonderfully.. blah blah. It would be relatively cute if he wasn't some 40 something year old with a thick heavy accent. Besides, I'm at work and although I have mastered the telephone by now, I can't stay on for too long since I get about 50 other calls per minute!

He had a meeting with his lawyer and showed up while I was out to lunch...with flowers!!!! Thank god I wasn't there! He left while I was at my desk though (my lunch was over) and oh my god.. The look he gave me was so terrifying! The phone rang right when he was walking out the door and I had to answer so he heard my voice. At the sound of it, he turned slowly and this creepy eerie smile spread over his face. It was like those killers in horror movies, when they finally find their prey right as they were about to give up. Totally freaked me out. My aunt came to the rescue though and I hid in the back.

He came back with more flowers!!! God I was so thankful when he finally left!

A lot of callers (clients) have told either my aunt or The Blonde Bombshell that it's too bad I'm not the real secretary or I should have this job. It's so flattering!! Even the regular people that come in and out of the office to see The Boss have said it, one even shook my hand saying it was such a pleasure to meet me. Ha! Another lawyer here today said I should stay and I didn't have to go school (yeah right). I feel so touched, but kinda bad for The Vacation Diva, since it is her job after all.

A couple more hours and then finished!!! I have to go to work at Le Chateau tonight which means it's a 9-9 day, but it's okies. More money for me! (which means, more shopping). By the way, The Player hasn't called or messaged me or anything since we last saw each other. He sucks. I suck. Urg.

I was thinking of maybe messaging The Jew, or calling him this weekend. Not to hang out or anything, just to talk. He starts school on Monday and I figured I'll wish him luck or whatever. It's a bad idea right? I probably shouldn't even bother getting involved in that whole drama again but I feel bad since he called me twice and I never returned his calls. What to do?

Not So Strong

2007-08-22T13:12:00.001-07:00

I’m still messaging The Player- almost everyday. We were supposed to meet a couple of times but our plans always fell through. I know, it’s so wrong but, well I don’t have an explanation. It’s just wrong- period. I went on his facebook profile and saws that he was tagged in someone’s birthday pictures. There were about three with The Girlfriend. Yeah, I don’t really k now what to say. What did I really expect? I know he has a girlfriend, and obviously they go out to parties and kiss but I never really had to see them together. It was almost like an eye opener, actually looking at them together. I wasn’t about to cry about it though (I used to) and I guess you could say I was sad but I was more disappointed, both in him and myself. I decided to go to the gym in order to focus my energy constructively which is when he decided to text message me. This is what he said:

TP: what’s going on
Me: im at the gym.. u?
TP: nothing im bored

I should probably say that we almost never talk on the phone, always through text messages. Strange, I know. I didn’t feel like wasting text messages on petty conversation plus I was busy so I never answered back. Almost an hour later he messaged me again. It’s funny because I knew he was going to, deep down in my gut. I knew he was going to ask to meet up and I planned this whole speech to give him when he did (I like to be prepared). God, do I love it when I’m right!

TP: wanna meet?
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
TP: why?
Me: look I really love being friends with you and I definitely love being uh, intimate with you but I don’t wanna be someones secret cuz im better than that
TP: don’t assume right away ok I also enjoy speaking to you there is a lot of things going on and I wanted to speak to u
Me: okay well obviously u can call me anytime for anything but when were together ur irresistible so if u need something just call or message me
TP: right now I need a hug but clearly youre not here for me
Me: look.. I saw ur pictures on facebook.. u look really happy and I don’t wanna ruin that for u.. im sorry ur upset but if u need to talk u have my number *hug*
TP: I cant believe youre doing this honestly I thought you would be by my side forever whenever I need you. Im so hurt
Me: im not gonna feel guilty for doing whats good for you especially since u still have the option to talk to me on the phone
TP: I don’t do the phone and you know that. Ur being ridiculous
Me: well I already explained myself and hopeful lull realiz im right and not be mad.. im still at the gym I can call you later if not I hope you feel better xox
TP: just call me when ur done and it would be nice if u could pass by for ten minutes

I continued my workout afterwards. I usually stay at the gym until closing which is at ten
o’clock. I was actually planning to call him later on but he messaged me before I got
home to do so.

TP: my hopes are up for nothing eh?
Me: love im not gonna meet u sorry
TP: why.. I need to talk :(
Me: you wont behave and I wont stop you
TP: I will I promise.. its that or I hold this against u forever
Me: you cant and wont hold this against me forever liar
TP: I swear I will and I can hold a grudge trust me.. are u willing to take that chance?
Me: ur just being mean and cruel
TP: pretty please baby ill be a gentleman
Me: im sorry :(
TP: I am honestly angry

I decided to go shower. I was pretty sweaty from my 4 hour workout, tired, and figured I
would just call him afterwards. He messaged me again! I answered after I got out of the
shower.

TP: im so upset:( ill never forgive you
Me: okay im not gonna feel bad for refusing to lower myself to a mistress level or for putting ur best interest first not stop being mean and tell me whats wrong
TP: that’s whats wrong I didn’t want a mistress I just wanted someone to talk with
Me: fine be like that goodnite xox
TP: don’t goodnight me ill be at ur house in 5 minutes
Me: stop okay
TP: no I want to see u
Me: stop!
TP: why!
Me: ive said it a million times
TP: okay goodnight
Me: urg don’t make me regret it.

Yeah, I’m weak. I felt so guilty though! He was being so pitiful and I really know and understand what it’s like to be upset and just want a hug. Besides, I knew I would never be able to forgive myself if something was horribly wrong and I didn’t see him. He said he would behave and, well, I foolishly believed him.

He was at my house in literally five minutes. Thank goodness my hair dries quickly! I decided to be the least seductive and attractive as possible. I wore no makeup, jeans and a wife beater. Okay I lie, I wore a push up bra too but come on! I can’t look like a complete ogre!

I went outside and guess who’s not wearing any clothes? Yeah. Okay so he had shorts on, but that’s pretty much it. Honestly, the scene was just so ridiculous that I started to laugh hysterically. I jokingly slapped him and we drove to the parking lot of my shopping center, which is about two minutes away from my house.

There we are, in a quiet, deserted, dark parking lot with him practically naked in front of me. Did I mention he’s incredibly sexy? His body is delicious and he always, no matter what, smells like Ferrarri Black. Without fail. He has the most adorable face ever with a little button nose and soft lips, and I can never say no to his eyes. His face is so boyish that it’s almost innocent, even when he smirks. When I’m with him he’s just so freaking adorable that I have to stop myself from pinching his cheeks! URG!

The whole behaving plan? Total scam! I got really mad at him because he tricked me into seeing him when I knew it was wrong, and I knew what he wanted all along. My abusive side came out again. He told me that he did want to talk to me but it’s a long conversation that’s why he messaged me at eight (it was eleven). Oh.

To make what could potentially be a very long and drawn out story- we so hooked up. We didn’t actually have sex; we did everything but. I know, I know; I’m so horrible!! I tried incredibly hard to resist him, I said no a couple of times. I even asked him how he didn’t feel guilty! He told me how things weren’t going well with his girlfriend (this was clearly not going to help) and that he didn’t even know if they were going to stay together. That’s apparently what he wanted my advice on. Yes, asking your new whatever I am about your current love life is always a good thing to do. I know that I have no good defense but when he said this I sort of started to picture him as single. Wrong wrong wrong! Sigh. I realize now that I subconsciously think that he’s going to breakup with his girlfriend to be with me, which is how I’m somewhat justifying my behavior to myself. How screwed up am I! It’s not like he’s ever promised me anything (he’s too smart for that), but for some reason I think that that’s what’s going to happen. I’m not even sure if I would even date him! Which, of course, makes things much worse because what is the point of what I’m doing! He would probably cheat on me and I barely even know who he is now. Sure, I know the key traits of his personality, but it’s not like we’re super close anymore. For some reason though, I always feel connected to him, bonded.

While we were together I asked him why he never kisses me. I mean, he kisses my body and my face, but he never kisses my actual lips. It drives me insane. You know in Julia Roberts’ movie where she plays a stripper and never kisses her men because it’s personal? Well that’s what it feels like. It’s as though kissing is too intimate and we’re just fucking. I told him exactly that and he sort of blushed. His explanation? He thinks that kissing my body and face is more arousing so he pays more attention to that. I do believe him, it’s something I can see him thinking but he’s so wrong. Well, now he knows and he kissed me, a lot. It’s so wrong but whenever I think of him it’s like my body physically aches to touch him. I can’t even explain it. When I’m around him it’s impossible for me not to touch him. Granted, I could not make it so sexual but things just lead to another. I’m not making excuses, I have no excuse, I’m just giving an explanation I guess.

So, once again I fooled around with this girl’s boyfriend. I’m a slut! And now, I’m all confused about how I really feel. Oh, and I also now have to give him unbiased advice about his current love life situation. How the hell do I get myself into these situations? Why do I do this!

Birthday Bash!

2007-08-21T13:00:00.001-07:00

Saturday night was Sugarlips birthday celebration. Sugarlips s Teddy Bear’s recent ex girlfriend. We had gotten pretty close while they were dating and after their breakup I was really there for her. I was overwhelmed with exhaustion from working so many days in a row but I had already promised her I was going. It’s too bad none of my guys were there because I looked awesome! I wore an ultra mini skin tight red dress with a deep scoop in the back and leopard heels. I got a lot of compliments, even from random guys saying they loved my dress. The only thing I hate about clubs is the guys. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me and don’t try to dance with me. It may sound rude, but I’m not there to meet someone and I don’t like strangers. Contrary to what guys believe, I got dolled up for me, not for them. After getting harassed by a couple of jerks (one guy even cornered me) I was beginning to think that guys couldn’t be any more disgusting. That was until some loser grabbed my waist and kissed my very naked and very exposed back. Oh, did I go mental.

Sugarlips has really bad luck with birthdays, so she was nervous about this one. She had every reason to worry. Her friend, Drama Queen, made the biggest scene outside the club. Apparently, she didn’t realize that only girls get free entrance; the guys have to pay whether or not they’re on guest list. This wouldn’t have been a problem had her boyfriend brought money with him. They both showed up to her best friend’s party with not one penny on them. I seriously do not understand how people do that. Drama Queen was such an embarrassment and despite being able to go to a bank or withdraw money from a depanneur, they both left.

Once we were inside the club, all the guys decided not to put in on the bottle. It’s a birthday and aren’t guys supposed to want to drink? I don’t know, I found it rather cheap of them. We ended up being only four on a bottle which is nowhere near enough people. Her friend and I said we would pay the difference but she felt too guilty. She didn’t want shots, but she felt bad asking us to pay extra (even though we offered). We bought it anyways and paid the difference, thinking she’d be happy. We were wrong. She moped around and pouted for an hour and refused to take a drink! Honestly, I understand that she was annoyed with everything that was going on but she could have appreciated what we tried to do for her. We just wanted her to enjoy herself and her birthday!

A lot of alcohol later, we all started to loosen up. It actually turned out to be pretty fun. I got really wasted and passed out as soon as I hit my pillow, sleeping beautifully.

And So He Returns..

2007-08-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

After a month of not talking, The Jew sent me a message on facebook asking for help for his summer class. Just so you know, I come off really ditsy because I’m really pretty and I dress well. It’s stupid but true. I’m actually very smart; I was in the Honors program all of CEGEP and high school, participated twice in the regional Science Fair and still had time to organize Talent Shows and fundraisers. Most people don’t even try to hide their shock when they find out I’m going to McGill. I try not to let it get to me, even though it really bothers me.

I sent him a pretty nasty message back, something along the lines of: are you fucking serious? You don’t talk to me for a month and when you do you have the balls to ask me for help without even a question to how I’ve been all summer? You seriously have a lot of nerve.

Too harsh? I was so angry! I don’t really care for him anymore- that’s not even the point. I just felt really used, sexually and as a friend. I really helped him with his school work, I practically did it myself! Even though he says he really appreciated it, he had a funny way of showing it! He called me a couple of days after the facebook message saying he wasn’t asking for help. He even had the nerve to be angry that I assumed as much. Um, yeah. Urg! I didn’t even bother arguing, it wasn’t worth it.

A couple of days later I found out that he spoke to The Sweet One about me. They’re friends, and when he ran into her at summer school he brought me up. I’m so MORTIFIED and angry and embarrassed just thinking about it; I don’t even want to write it, but I will. He told her that he didn’t understand why I was upset since I was the one who stopped returning his calls (not true). Then he went on to say that he doesn’t want to hurt me but he’s seeing someone else and doesn’t know how to tell me (do I care?). THEN he says how he doesn’t mind talking to me (oh excuse me) but he doesn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with the girl he’s seeing by getting text messages from me.

Oh.
My.
God.

URGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

How embarrassing is that? How dare he! Does he really think that I wasted my entire summer pining away for him? Because I didn’t. I only sent him that nasty message on facebook because I was annoyed. That cocky piece of shit.

So last week I got a call from him at 12:30, in the morning. Okay, so who does he think he is to call me at that time? After everything? I was sleeping but I saw his missed call the next day. I debated whether or not I should call back but I figured I would play nice. He didn’t pick up so I went to bed.

I woke up to three missed calls and one text message. What the fuck? Now I’m thinking something must be wrong. I text messaged him back during the day saying: good morning, I’m at work right now sorry I missed you calls last night I was sleeping. Is everything okay? His response? NONE!!!

No call.
No text message.
Nothing.

So that was last Thursday. He called me Saturday and I very casually asked him if he got my text. He did. I guess he didn’t feel the need to message me back. Before you ask, no there was no emergency. I decided to take a Zen approach to this and just drop all my anger. We spoke for about an hour and guess what? He wanted to “watch a movie” with me THAT night. I already had plans (even though I wouldn’t have went either way) but he expected me to drop them.

We had a pretty decent conversation, he tried to flirt with me a lot though. I guess he’s no longer seeing that girl? Isn’t it rather funny how he comes crawling back to me? I’m really tired of being everyone’s second option. I had to leave to go to the party and he told me to call him sometimes. Which, will never happen unless hell freezes over and the fat lady sings.

He called AGAIN the next day but I didn’t pick up.

I hate boys and their stupid, stupid games.

Meeting the Manager

2007-08-21T06:44:00.001-07:00

I’ve mentioned before that I’m getting transferred to the Le Chateau downtown. Well, I’ve been talking to the manager on the phone and he told me to pass by sometime this week to meet everyone and to see the store. Of course, I waited until Friday since I was getting my hair done on Thursday. I planned my outfit the night before- brown high waist pants with an ivory turtleneck with a scooped back, leopard heals and gold jewelry. All Le Chateau. All super expensive.

I walked in (super nervous) and introduced myself. The manager was so impressed with me! He kept checking me out and showing me around the ENTIRE store, introducing me to everyone as the Elite! (Which just basically means I sell a lot). He even made me try on the matching vest to my pants.

The store is huge, maybe ten times the size of mine, and has not one but two floors! I’m so excited to work there! It’s a bit nerve wrecking though meeting all those new people and being the new girl. They have triple the amount of staff that we do and I’m absolutely horrible at remembering names. Plus, we’re on commission (my old store just started but nobody ever fought over it) and I know it’ll be totally different. One girl even fought with another employee in front of me to get a client. Hopefully, I’ll get used to it and that scene was just a one time thing.

We’re supposed to go to New York on Labor Day weekend, which coincidently is the weekend of our first meeting. I told my new manager that I couldn’t work untilt he 4th because I was at the other Chateau, but really I just wanted a vacation. I’ve been working at The Law Firm, the graphic design company and Le Chateau for the past two and a half weeks straight. I’m EXHAUSTED. I could have said the truth, but he really wants me to start right away and I was scared he wouldn’t give me the vacation. We might not end up going to NY now because The Cousin’s grandfather is in the hospital :(. If we cancel, then I’ll go to the meeting but if not then I need to think of an excuse. He thinks that I’m working at the other Chateau and told me to leave at four, that way I could work and attend the meeting. If I’m in New York though, I clearly won’t be able to go. I was thinking that if we don’t cancel, I’ll tell him that my parents surprised me with a pre-university trip. How does that sound?

I’m going to see him (I forgot his name already!) on Thursday again. The meeting could possibly be the week after Labor Day, which would make everything easy! I’ll find out tonight if NY is still on. Ahhhh I hope everything works out!!

The Jew

2007-08-20T11:52:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago, when I was going through the whole Football Player drama fiasco, I was introduced to one of his teammates: The Jew. I still smile whenever I think about how we met. I was sitting at a table with The Football Player and he came up us to ask some non important football question; just so we could be introduced. The Football Player had a meeting with a teacher and we were left alone. I had to do an exam that I had missed, so I had another hour to kill. The Jew kept me company and even walked me to my class (how cute is that!?). Did I happen to mention that he’s deliciously good looking? Throughout the entire conversation he casually had asked me for my number; so casually that I thought he was joking! Urg, I’m so blonde! What did I do? I laughed.

I felt slightly guilty because at that time (it was right before Christmas) I was practically dating The Football Player, minus the actual title. I really cared a lot about him but I was so infatuated with The Jew. By the way, I’m not prejudice or anything. I’ve dated guys from a very large range of nationalities; I’m calling him The Jew because he so strongly defines himself by his religion and I mean it in the most non derogatory way. The Football Player and I argued quite a lot before Christmas, about what I can’t remember. It was probably about stupidities revolving around the fact that there was no commitment between us. He expected for me to act like his girlfriend when he wanted me to, and when he didn’t he would pull out the “we’re not dating” card. So, I was pretty annoyed with that.

I ran into The Jew a couple of times after that, mostly in Jakes where most students hang out between and after class. It became so routine that I now knew exactly what days I could potentially run into him. I would dress up on those days just so he would notice me, how corny! The week before our Christmas vacation, we unexpectedly ran into each other (but I still looked good) and when he asked me for my number, I actually gave it to him instead of giggling. I should probably mention that at that time I had the BIGGEST, most embarrassing crush on him. I’m talking about giggling, hair twirling, stuttering type of crush. The blushing, shaking and starry eyes crush. Pathetic, I know.

I messaged him the night of The Sweet One’s birthday bash, asking him what he would be doing that night but he wasn’t sure yet. He showed up at the club, a little while after we had all gotten ourselves totally smashed. Ahhh, he’s so beautiful! He asked me ot dance and yeah, we ended up making out on the dance floor. Drunk make out scenes are not so pretty. I was so plastered that I ended up passing out as soon as I got home. In the morning, I saw that he had sent me a text message saying: if you’re awake, goodnight, if not then good morning for when you see this. ADORABLE!!

He called the next day, or should I say, the entire week. Yup, every single day. The Football Player got so jealous (sometimes he would call while we we’re on the phone). We were arguing constantly and it was just getting ugly.

I went to go see The Jew right before New Year’s at one (in the morning). Just so you know, my curfew’s at one thirty. I got in SO much trouble!! We spent four hours together, just hanging out and talking in my car. It was so unbelievably magical! We ended up making out afterwards and it almost went too far but I told him that I wasn’t going to sleep with him now, or anytime soon.

We both had separate plans for New Year’s but he called and showed up at my house after our parties. I was so drunk but he was completely sober (he never drinks). I’m not an alcoholic by the way, it just so happens that there are so many occasions in December. We ended up having sex. Yeah. It’s not something I really like to talk about. I feel kind of taken advantage of and I don’t really remember any of it. What I do remember is that it was pretty awful.

He never called me after that except for once, maybe a week later. We never spoke about it. We ran into each other at school but it was like nothing had happened. During that time, The Football Player apologized to me and tried really hard to make things right. I did tell him what happened between The Jew and I though (I can’t lie!) and we had our rough moments, but they passed.

After things ended with The Football Player, The Jew magically returned. I know that I should have been angry with him over the whole New Year’s debacle, but he had this way about him that makes you forget about the bad. I guess you could say we started our thing again; he started calling me regularly and hanging out with me at school. He invited me over to his house to “watch a movie” which turned into having sex (I was sober this time). It was incredible! Mind blowing. Wow.

The thing about The Jew is that he knows when to stop calling. He’ll call you when he wants to get laid, but he won’t stop once he does. No no. He knows he has to call the next day so he won’t be called an asshole. He’ll only stop calling you a week later leaving you confused. Which, of course, is exactly what he did. I seem to have that effect on guys.

Starving for Love

2007-08-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I know it seems that I’m a little boy crazy and fall in love with every guy, but I don’t. the thing about me is that I attract really awesome guys…who treat me like shit. They’re wonderful on paper and good with everyone, except me. Now, I know there are a couple of names floating around and you’re probably thinking that I couldn’t love any, let alone al of them. Well, The Player was my first love and my first real heartache. I’ll always have a special place in my heart for him (even though I mean nothing to him). The Ex and I went through so much together, over such a long period of time, that he’s rooted in ho I am, you know? He changed me (for better or for worse, who knows?). The Football Player, well, he was really there for me (before he got me to have sex with him) and it was really hard to not fall in love with him. Those are the three main people, The Player starting about five years ago and floating in and out. I should draw a timeline! I dated a couple of other people besides the three, but they weren’t particularly significant. Now before you think I’m jumping from guy to guy, please understand that I’ve been hurt (incredibly deep) by almost every guy I ever trusted. When a new person enters my life and treats me nicely, I fall for it. I just want to be happy you know?

It got to the point where I was starting to think something was wrong with me. Did I look for trouble because I liked the drama, the attention? Honestly, I don’t. I would much rather have a boring but happy life. It just seems that I’m destined to be treated like crap. Do I not deserve to be happy? I used to try to make myself perfect for others; maybe then they’d love me and treat me better. Pathetic and totally anti-feminist, I know. It’s a dumb mentality that just gets me hurt. In high school I came off as super confident and in control. Even though I wasn’t, I never used to let people walk all over me. God would that girl be so embarrassed by me now!

I didn’t really want ot write about this in my blog, since I didn’t want it to be about that, but since it’s a part of me it’s inevitable that it comes up. Ages ago, we’re talking grade six, my crush called me (“jokingly”) fat. I still remember where we were, how he said it and who was there. I started this super strict diet (at age 12) and stopped eating completely, unless I absolutely had to. My parents stopped it before it got too serious but that comment always stuck with me. In secondary four and five I would skip breakfast and lunch, and sometimes supper if I had the opportunity. I got rather thin, but never scary thin, and I don’t know how but it just sort of went away. That compulsion, that obsession with my weight just suddenly disappeared! That was up until I started college and stepped on the scale. I freaked out since I weighed in over the number I swore I’d never go near: 120. At 5’5, weighing 122 pounds, I was fat. Throughout my entire CEGEP schooling I yo-yoed back and forth between 110 pounds and 120. That’s when I discovered diet pills.

Diet pills from the States contain Ephedra. The maximum legal amount in Canada is 10 mg per pill, and these had 25. They make your heart race, your hands shake and you sweat a lot. You also tend to feel nauseous and I’ve thrown u before. They also make you lose weight incredibly fast. I’ve had problems with bulimia (though I never was really good at making myself throw up) and COE – compulsive over eating. I often used food to punish myself. I wasn’t good enough to be thin, I thought as I would stuff my face. I would keep eating until it hurt.

Then I went through my four hours of exercise a day cycle. Between the binging, the starving and the diet pills, you can understand the yo-yoing effect it had on my weight. I’m currently not taking any pills right now, although it’s killing me. I finished my pack last week and decided to be healthy (or as healthy as an EDnos *eating disorder diagnosis* can be). I’m starting to really freak out now and I might order some next week. I want to not order them; they’re expensive and take a toll on my body. I know they’re the easy way out the cop out but when I see the disgustingly large number on the scale I want to cry. And I did sometimes. I don’t know what I’ll do, but I’m waiting to test the week out to see.

Anyways, so now you know my biggest and ugliest secret. I just want to find someone who loves me for me, you know? And yes, I know I’m young; I’m not looking for a husband. It’s just that with all the guys I know, it always feels as though I’m the one who’s just not good enough.

The Innocent One

2007-08-14T12:27:00.001-07:00

I should probably explain who The Innocent ON is and why I’m calling him that. I’m not particularly crazy about the name myself, but it’s the only thing that I could think of that properly describes him. It feels weird calling a guy that though, and I’m sure if ever he found out he’d hate it (and possibly be insulted). The Innocent One and I met my first semester at college. His best friend, Teddy Bear, dated a friend of mine and we got introduced. All three also went to high school with The Player, The Ex and The Football Player. I should have transferred high schools since all my boyfriends came from there! I really liked The Innocent One and we started dating not long after we met. I didn’t want to start a relationship with him (at least not that early on) but he sort of assumed we were dating and I got stuck in it. How does this happen you ask? Only to me, I swear.

I was at The Innocent One’s house with Teddy Bear and the girlfriend, watching a movie. Please note, that I have a crush on him but I don’t really know him that well. So, he kisses me (in front of TB and the girlfriend by the way) and well, I kissed back. Oh, and I was also Innocent One’s first girlfriend, which also equals first kiss. Ouch. The Innocent One, being innocent, assumes that because we kissed, we’re dating. Yeah.

So we dated for a little less than a month. Honestly, I do love him but I could never fall in love with him. Anyways, we became really good friends, best friends actually. He sort of fell in love with me, which sometimes makes it awkward but we get along so well and he’s so supportive of me that it doesn’t really matter. I could deal wit the awkwardness. The Innocent One is super kind towards everyone, it’s unbelievable. He never really says anything bad about the others and if he doesn’t like someone, he’ll still be polite. He never has any real fights with friends, and is really shy. He’s a little naïve, but it’s adorable. You almost want to protect him, and I guess in my own way I do sort of mother him. That’s our relationship: he supports me and listens to my complicated problems and I help him with his shyness and naivety.

The thing that I love the most about The Innocent One is that he makes everything really simple. He doesn’t allow complications. It’s a little hard to explain, but when I talk about my guy problems he makes the solution seem so simple. He hurts you = he’s bad. The Sweet One is the same way.

Thinking about his name, I really don’t like it. Oh! He’s also a wanna be DJ (LOL) and is surprisingly really good. We’ll re name him The DJ.

The Call With The Ex

2007-08-14T12:17:00.000-07:00

So as I said in an earlier post, The Ex called me this weekend at 3 am. I don’t really know why or how he thinks its okay to call me at that time, but for once, I didn’t yell or bitch. It was a bit strange hearing his voice, especially since he was all psycho angry at me and said he didn’t want to talk to me, ever again. Which, on a side note, makes me incredibly furious!! He treats me like a piece of trash throughout our entire relationship, uses me for a year and he has the nerve to be mad at me? Granted, I have mood swings. I know I do. But the only reason I have these mood swings is because I still care about him and I hate it! I try to be indifferent, but then he does something cute that makes me fall in love with him. They, when I stupidly fall for his tricks, he hurts me and I get mad. So yes, I do have mood swings but it’s mainly his fault. In any case, I could kill his cat and it still wouldn’t come close to the intentional hurt he’s caused me. For him to be mad at me, it’s ridiculous!

The phone call lasted two and a half hours, and yes, naturally we fought. He spoke (mainly about himself) for an hour and then I told him I had to go to bed. He then expected me to stay five extra minutes and tell him what was new with me. Hello?! If you’re reading my blog then you know that I can’t summarize everything in FIVE minutes! Not that I wanted to anyways. I’ve decided to take an I-don’t-care approach. I’ll listen, I’ll bite my tongue when I want to argue and I’ll be pleasant, but there is no way I’m going to tell him about my personal life. What’s the point anyways? If I have a problem, we all know he won’t be there. Besides, confiding in someone is personal and reserved for intimate friendships, which we do not have. For God sakes, we barely have a friendship!

Apparently this pisses The Ex off. He doesn’t see the logic or point and I should just tell him everything. Am I overanalyzing things here? I can understand how it’s frustrating talking to someone who’s just making polite conversation, but what does he expect? Even if I am overanalyzing things, it’s kind of hard not to.

So, at the end of the conversation, we ended up arguing about The Slut. We tend to do that a lot. I forgot to mention that during the year where The Ex was using me, he told me he started to have a crush on her and he even made out with her. That really stung. He still claims, to this day, that he never cheated on me, with her or any other girl. During our phone call, however he finally admitted that he did flirt with her a lot and there was chemistry and a strong attraction between them. I really didn’t think that he still had the power to hurt me, but I was wrong- as usual.

He also decided to explain to me why he was so cold and rude to me in the car. In his exact words: “sometimes I just don’t give a fuck about you”. Seriously, he stunned me into silence. Later on, he decided to tell me that he misses me- a little. Is it necessary to add the little part? I really doubt it.

At the end of the conversation (5:30 am :O) I told him that it was nice talking to him and to have a good night. He seems convinced that I’m going to call him again and kept repeating it. He’s so cocky it’s insane!! His persistence about it is just going to make me not want to ever call him. If ever I do feel the urge, I’ll just think of the “sometimes I just don’t give a fuck about you” comment or The Slut confession, and it’ll kill the urge. I hope.

On a side note, The Best Friend has gone MIA on me again. I really hope we’re not reverting back to old ways.

The Co-Worker

2007-08-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

When The Best Friend and I were going through our drama, I got pretty close to my co-worker and her best friend, The Sweet One, who also happened to date my brother. The two of them live on the same street (which happens to be Loud Mouth’s street as well), which is about an eight minute walk from my house.

I started going clubbing with them on weekends and when things fell through with one of their lose friends we sort of became The Trio. They were really there for me when I needed them and as high school as this sounds, I felt cool with them, as though I was part of the “in crowd”.

After about a year of hanging out with them, I began to realize how controlling The Co-Worker was. She would always make little comments about people’s styles and insert “jokes” about how she was the most fashionable guru and everyone should listen and follow her. If she said she didn’t like it, then of course it was ugly. She also tried to be apart of everything. You couldn’t go out with a common friend without inviting her, yet she could.

We were supposed to go on vacation together, The Co-Worker, The Sweet One and the Armenian (another girl we work with). Then, the Co-Worker asked her boyfriend and a couple of his friends to go, even though it was a girl thing. Then, she asked her gay friend to come, “who’s like a girl” she said. It got to the point where it wasn’t even our thing and I just didn’t feel like going anymore. Also, I had to save money for school and I didn’t want to have zilch in my account after everything had been paid for. Beaches aren’t really my thing, at least not for a week anyways. I would much rather prefer going to LA or Vegas or New York.

My mother said I could use her as a scapegoat (mother’s are the best, aren’t they?) and I did. There was this whole big drama because The Co-Worker didn’t get her way. I don’t know why I didn’t just tell her the truth- I’m a little bit of a coward I guess. That maybe was the beginning of the end for our friendship I guess.

For my birthday, I invited the girls: The Best Friend, The Cousin, The Co-Worker, The Sweet One and The Armenian for supper at my house. We could all get ready together afterwards and leave together. I told them to come between 6:00 and 6:30, which nobody did except for The Armenian. The Cousin had previously warned me she would be coming later on, and The Best Friend came right before seven. When The Co-Worker and The Sweet One decided to grace us with their presence, it was almost eight o’clock and they already ate. So we all waited for them, for nothing, and I had way too much food.

They were both cranky for some reason and I was already really angry that they showed up late. I decided to just ignore it since it was my birthday and I didn’t want to spoil it. We went to the club and The Ex was there for my birthday (which he had forgotten the day of, by the way). I was having a really fun time when The Co-Worker came to tell me she, The Sweet One and The Armenian were leaving and did I have a lift home. Yeah, them! First of all, I was really too drunk to try to arrange alternate transportation and second off, it’s my birthday! They should be staying until the end! They really screwed up my birthday and ditched me. The Cousin drove me home.

The day after the Co-Worker decided to tell me how she thought I was super rude (me??) because they all showed up for my birthday and I spent barely any time with them. Just writing about it is making me so mad. There were so many of my friends there and I spent the Thursday, Friday and Saturday evening with them celebrating my birthday! She went on a whole tirade saying how she would have acted blah blah blah. Did I mention that she also puts words into people’s mouths? You’d be arguing with her and she’ll say something like: remember you said…” and even though you know you didn’t, she’ll insist you did. It’s maddening!

The Birthday Fiasco blew over and we got back to normal- kinda. Another one of our co-workers, The Baby of the group (she’s seventeen) and I get along super well but The Co-Worker doesn’t really like her. Apparently she thinks that The Baby copies her style. Whatever. One day, I was saying how The Baby and I get along so well and she told me that she overheard The Armenian and The Baby talking about me saying how the more they get to know me, the less they like me.

I was so hurt by this because they had absolutely no reason to say this and they both acted super nice with me. Before this turns into a ten page post, The Co-Worker basically put me against everyone besides her. She made me doubt my friendship with The Baby and played both sides. She would talk about The Armenian and The Baby, saying how they’re gay for grouping together (they’re both Armenian) and how The Baby’s a loser who has no style and is too obsessed with people’s appearances. She would also say how The Armenian is too old and should act her age instead of 30 (she’s very mature) and should stop obsessing over old, rich men. God knows what she’s said about me.

The thing with the Co-Worker is that she’s really a fake person. She talks behind practically everyone’s back but claims she’s “real”. She’ll bully and belittle you. The next day though, she’ll act like your best friend and it comes off as sincerity. That’s why I’m so mixed up about her.

Working with her this past month has been like a rollercoaster ride. One day she’ll be the queen of ice, the next day she’ll be joking with you and saying how she misses you etc When she’s nice, it’s like nothing ever happened (even though it did) and she’s a bitch, it’s really awkward and lonely. For the past two weeks she’s had parties or get togethers and invited everyone except me. Last Saturday, she went out with The Sweet One and The Baby (who she’s apparently best friends with now) and didn’t invite me. When she found out that I didn’t decide to stay home and sulk without her, rather, I made plans with The Best Friend and The Cousin, and she was shocked.

She was really jealous that I made plans with my two girlfriends and didn’t ask her so she invited us. Except that to go to the party you need tickets. She basically said, well if you can get tickets (the day of the party, at 3 pm) you’re more than welcome to come. They all went out the following Friday AND Saturday and didn’t invite me *again*. They even asked another co-worker to go, The Shy One. Everyone but me. If I didn’t use to hang out with them every Saturday, then I would somewhat understand. Yet even at that, to invite everyone from the office and single out one? That’s rude and just plain mean. On Sunday they all spoke about it and I sort of just stood there, awkwardly. The others could be held accountable too, except the Co-Worker organized it and it’s not really like they could just invite me to her house before.

Anyways, I am sad that my friendship with The Baby is less intimate but there’s nothing I can do to change that. I should have confronted her the second I heard the rumor, but I automatically believed The Co-Worker. My friendship with The Armenian is pretty much non existent, which really hurts but I’d rather not dwell on it too much. I actually used to go out a lot with her for coffee and movies etc. I’m being transferred downtown so I won’t have to deal with the backstabbing and high school attitude. It just really hurts I guess. God I hate office politics.

The History Behind The Ex

2007-08-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

I got a call from the ex Saturday night. Well, I guess you could say Sunday morning since it was 3 am. I don’t think I ever really explained the situation with The Ex. I met him when I was 15; a little while after The Player came and broke my heart. He knew about me since he went to high school with The Player and my cousin Loud Mouth. I had pressed forward all on an email I had received and he added me on msn. We spoke for about six to eight months, on msn, through e-mails and on the phone before we actually met. We started dating not long after.

I was pretty messed up mentally from The Player and had a lot of trust issues. The Ex and I dated from early secondary 4 until the end of secondary 5 on and off. We fought, a lot, mostly about stupidities. I guess it was partially my fault for not trusting him but he always seemed to push things too far. He would “jokingly” ask these two girls to make out, would write letters in class to other girls, etc. It drove me nuts! So yeah, that’s pretty much the main reasons why we kept breaking up but I was so in love with him that I would always go back (dumb- I know). It took a toll on him too because deep down I know he was really in love with me and each break up hurt him a lot. Anyways, our final and last breakup was right before Prom, because of The Slut.

URG! I absolutely hate her. With a passion. She knew I wasn’t having sex with The Ex so she would talk about her sex life all the time. She wrote him letters, showed up at his house, the works. Did I mention that she had a boyfriend? When he offered her gum, she said that she wanted his and tried to take it. Using her mouth. He went over once to pick up math notes, which she had to get in her room but he could follow her, she said. And then, she changed in front of him. Okay, I know he’s partially to blame but I fucken hate her :)

So I got this e-mail which is kind of like a survey you fill out to test your sex appeal. You answer all the questions and then, surprise! They all get sent to the person who e-mailed you the test. I sent the quiz to The Ex and he e-mailed me back saying he was just kidding when he said he cheated on his girlfriend and that it says at the bottom that your answers will be sent to the person who e-mailed you.

I, of course, went mental. Boys out there: joking about cheating on your girlfriend is not funny. Anyways, I assumed that he cheated on me with The Slut and we broke up, permanently. I don’t really believe he did (now) but it hurt so much and I really felt like I couldn’t trust him anymore. God did it hurt a lot.

So, that was the story of our dating relationship. Things just got even more complicated afterwards. In October (about two years ago now), at The Innocent One’s birthday, we randomly bumped into each other. We had been talking on the phone, but seeing him face to face was completely different. I literally could not stop myself from touching him, hugging him. We ended up making out.

It was from that point up until last Christmas that the using began. I was so in love with him and I wanted to be with him so badly. We had sex for the first time (biggest mistake) and everything got so tangled up afterwards. I guess subconsciously I thought that if I did sleep with him, then we would have a special connection and he would realize how much he used to and still loves me. I’m very stupid sometimes. He didn’t call me the next day, and when he finally did he was talking about other girls. He would tell me that he loved me so much and all sorts of crap one day then call me to talk about another girl the next. Yeah. He would also tell me about all the girls he made out with or had a crush on etc. Then he would sleep with me after declaring his love for me and me alone. I was pretty dumb and naïve for always falling for it and allowing him to treat me that way. I tried many times to just be friends or to not talk whatsoever. The Football Player was really sweet to me at that time; he would listen to me bitch and cry and always knew exactly what to say. I guess that’s when I started to fall in love with him. After a year of torture, I finally broke things off completely (sexually anyways) with The Ex.

We spoke on and off for the next couple of months. It was our thing- going through these cycles. Friends-dating-loves-not talking and it would restart. When we did talk we would end up fighting over stupidities: old fights when we dated, he would get angry/jealous if I spoke about other guys and I wouldn’t want to hear about his excavates with the million girls he knew. It was really hard being friends with him.

I called him once, really upset because of Family Drama and he was so cold and non supportive. In fact, I think he just yelled at me because I was crying so much I couldn’t really talk. Later on I wrote him an e-mail basically telling him how everything he’s done still hurts me and I don’t want to be friends with him.

About two to three weeks ago I was coming back from seeing The Innocent One and I was driving by The Ex’s house. I was upset (I don’t remember why now). God knows what compelled me but I called him and asked him to come outside.

I know. If I didn’t want to be friends with him, which I very clearly stated multiple times in the email and telephone calls then I should not expect him to comfort me when I was upset and I should most definitely not show up at his house at 12 am. The thing is, we have this relationship where no matter what we can still count on each other when we need to (or at least, we used to). He’s called or message before when he was upset, sometimes right after we fought and I swore to never talk to him again, and I was always there for him.

I have never seen him look at me the way he looked at me. Once again, he knew I was upset and just yelled. It was really bad. I don’t know what I expected, it’s not like he’s been there for me before, yet somehow I thought that this time would be different. It wasn’t. We haven’t spoken since.

The Fight

2007-08-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

Awhile ago The Best Friend and I got into a huge fight. Not your stupid little chick fights that get resolved or laughed at by the end of the day. I’m talking about a huge, I-never-want-to-talk-to-you-again-ever fight. I’ve known her since I was ten and we’ve been best friends ever since. She sorta fell head over heals for this guy our fist semester in college and liked him for a full year before they finally started dating. I wasn’t particularly found of him at first (I’m still not) but, she’s my best friend and he makes her happy so that’s all that matters. She stopped returning my calls and ditching me but I figured it was their infatuation and it’ll pass as it always does, so I never really said anything. It got a little lonely sometimes but I had The Innocent One (one of my male best friends) so it was bearable. Then it got to their six months and I had had enough. I already really felt used and only good enough when it was convenient because of The Ex- I wasn’t going to get that from my supposed best friend. Granted, I could have spoken to her about it before it escaladed to such a drastic point but I kept thinking, well it’ll get better soon.

I blew up on her one night on msn (I know- I’m gay) and let everything off my chest. I was so fed up that I told her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore and I honestly felt it. It was such bad timing though because we had an intensive gym class together, including a four hour break before. She texted me asking to talk about things saying she didn’t want to lose our friendship. I didn’t respond. I know, I’m a bitch but it had gotten so bad, I was tired of being used and treated like a 3rd OPTION that I didn’t care anymore. I went to the gym class (skiing, by the way- it’s super hard PLUS we have to talk) and out of nowhere she pops up and shoots herself into my arms, crying hysterically. Yeah.

To make what could potentially be an incredibly long story, I accepted her very tearful and regretful apology and she’s been pretty good ever since. She honestly didn’t realize what she was doing (impossible to miss but hey, when you’re in love...) and now makes a conscious effort to balance us both. I didn’t have unrealistic expectations or demands from our friendship- I know what it’s like to be in a relationship and have to balance both your boyfriend and you best friend (s). In any case, we fixed things, THANK GOD, because I’d be so lost without her. Looking back I can’t believe I almost lost her, she totally gets me and supports me no matter what crazy thing I do.

Oh and by the way, for those of you who think I’m a rotten bitch right now (:(..), when she ambushed me crying hysterically, I brought her to the washroom, fixed her makeup and calmed her down. When she couldn’t attach her boots to her skis, I got off of mine, sat in the snow and tied them for her. And when she fell outside during our practice run, I didn’t laugh. Not even once.

Training Day

2007-08-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

okay so i re-wrote the Law Firm post because it was written really quickly and i didn't like the way it came out.. but thanks to Chrissy for not only reading it but leaving a comment too!

So, Friday was my first and only day of training. I’m replacing the receptionist at my aunt’s law firm for the next two weeks since she’s going on vacation. My aunt thought that since I already am the receptionist/accountant for my uncle’s graphic design company, this would be a good opportunity for me to make more money in the summer. It is, and I do appreciate the offer and thought behind it however, now I’m working at the Law Firm Monday to Friday, at Le Chateau (my regular job) and at the graphic design company Tuesday nights. Just thinking about that gives me a headache!

I was really nervous Friday morning because 1) The Law Firm is downtown (I’m completely direction challenged 2) It’s a LAW FIRM – talk about intimidating! And 3) I really don’t want to disappoint my aunt. I left REALLY early to give myself time to get lost and find my way. LOL! I planned ahead. I had very little trouble getting there though and I was pretty early. My aunt’s co-worker and friend of the family was there though and she super nice!! Honestly, The Blonde Bombshell was incredibly kind and sweet towards me the entire day. It was nice having someone there (besides my aunt of course) just being encouraging and supportive. I so greatly appreciated it!

The receptionist who’s supposed to train me, Vacation Diva, was so not helpful. She walked in at nine exactly (it would have been nice if she came in at least five minutes earlier, but whatever). I actually have met her a couple of times before when I visited my aunt at work. She showed me how to empty the dishwasher and how to make the coffee (some of the very few duties I have). The coffee, by the way, is specially ordered from Van Houtte- we even have their coffee makers! I’m personally not a coffee drinker (except Ice Caps of course!) but I tried it and WOW! I love it! Maybe I’ll pick up smoking and lose those stupid five pounds I’ve been trying to shed! Just kidding.

Vacation Diva made her bread (not toast, just a plain slice of white bread) and nutella sandwich and brought it to the desk, plopped it in front of the pile of files and switched on the music. Honestly, I felt a little uncomfortable because 1) how unprofessional is it to leave such a messy breakfast in plain sight IN FRONT of important legal documents?! and 2) blaring music from the internet? At work? At a LAW FIRM? Sigh.

Vacation Diva somewhat taught me how to use the phone, make an invoice and call courier. Yeah, that’s pretty much all she showed me. Late on while I was with my aunt I found out that there were many things I didn’t know, which naturally made me incredibly nervous for Monday morning, when I’ll be on my own.

Lunch is at one o’clock and I brought a salad and half a can of tuna. I didn’t want to buy, in case there weren’t any good shops, plus I should be saving my money for my trip to NY at the end of august and university (I have got to stop shopping- seriously). Vacation Diva went out with two other girls though and didn’t even invite me. Is that rude or am I being presumptuous? She sorta knows me and she knows that I basically have no one to eat with (my aunt was in court). When one o’clock came rolling bye I casually asked her if she was going out to eat. She said yes and then asked me if I wanted to go but I told her that it was fine, I had brought my own lunch. I don’t want a pity invite! Anyways, I ate lunch alone until one of the lawyers’ secretaries came in and then there was just sort of an awkward silence. I tried (really hard I might add) to make conversation but to no success. The Blonde Bombshell came in though about ten minutes later (God do I love her!) and we chatted for the rest of the break. Honestly, she’s kind of my life savior.

The rest of the day went by pretty okay, I guess. The one thing that I have to give Vacation Diva credit for is that she knows how to answer the phone. I’m really not being sarcastic, it’s incredibly difficult!!! There are about nineteen different lawyers/secretaries; eleven telephone lines and fifty people calling every two minutes. You have to remember the name of the caller, who they want and what line they’re on. Not anywhere near as easy as it sounds.

Apparently Vacation Diva doesn’t work on Fridays. Or after 3 pm. Or without her 80’s music blaring throughout the entire floor. Or at all, if you ask me. So, I feel rather unprepared for Monday, really nervous/stressed and I’m kinda starting to regret taking this on? What if I can’t handle it? Ahhh!

I'm A Slut

2007-08-07T08:26:00.000-07:00

I hate cheaters. I really do. And I hate those who participate in the cheating also. So I guess you could say I totally hate myself :(. Sigh.

I tried really hard to avoid The Player. Especially since he didn’t call me. Okay, I get it, he’s not my boyfriend and clearly he just uses me for sexual purposes, whether it be in person or just to jack off to (yeah pretty gross visual eh). I understand that, I’ve accepted it, in fact, I need no reminding thank you. Somehow, I still allow it though. URG. Where is my self respect? Cuz I miss you.

I would just like to point out that The Player is really, incredibly good at his game. Expert, pro player I would say. He knows how to make you feel guilty (yeah!!!! How the fuck does he make ME feel guilty?!), he knows how to get you to do what he wants, to forget reason and sanity. He also knows exactly what to say to make you feel better and to feel loved. He asked to see me, almost a month after The Anniversary Visit but I politely declined (and before you all scream for joy, it’s only because I didn’t wash my hair.. I suck). He’s been messaging me really cute things lately and I know it’s wrong but I just want to ignore the fact that he has a girlfriend for a little while okay? Anyways, last week he messaged me saying he was going to New York and I had the car after work so I messaged him saying we should see each other. He continued to message me until randomly, bam! He stops. I was so angry!!! Like, okay, I understand I’m the other woman and he owes me nothing and I deserve what I get (I’m my own worst critic) but I hate being ignored. It’s the worst thing you can do to me honestly.

Then Monday (yesterday) he messaged me saying he was home alone all day and wanted to see me. At that point I was so angry and annoyed that he made me let go of all my values and beliefs, that I’m doing exactly what I hate that I just told him, politely because I wasn’t going to waste any more energy on him that “I’m really angry with you, you treat me like garbage but there’s no point in arguing about it, so please stop text messaging me and enjoy your day off”. He didn’t understand why I was mad, and even called me but I ignored his call. About half an hour later he messaged me again asking why I ignored his call and I told him, once again, politely that I was tired of being used only when he’s horny, that he has a girlfriend and that he should please stop messaging me. He texted back something but I just ignored it.

I went to the gym and honestly, it felt really good to stand up for myself and my rights as a person. I deserve to be treated better than that and to be respected. I went to bed and at around 11 30 he messaged me again saying “good night sleep tight sorry for upsetting you.. youre beautiful”.. urg why does he have to be so cute!! You cannot deny the cuteness! And then he said we needed to talk about something important and he called me to tell me that he wanted to give me space and time today to cool off before he made sure that I understood that he wasn’t just using me for whatever purposes, just that he can’t resist me for some reason (yeah okay). He also said he would love to go out just for coffee or to hang out but when he’s around me he can’t help himself. Load of crap right? I mean, come on! You have a girlfriend, restrain yourself! Plus, isn’t that a crappy excuse to just get laid and not have to do any date work? But yeah, I fell for his crap. We hung up and then he messaged me saying he misses me and that tomorrow we should see each other. I said he can’t behave himself so no. I need to stay strong- which I can do if I don’t see him. God!

So today, I messaged him through facebook (which, I’m addicted to) saying good morning, I appreciate him calling me to make me feel better and to have a good day hugs and kisses. Yeah. I’m a freaking slut.

The Player

2007-08-07T08:25:00.000-07:00

Okay so about five years ago I went with my cousin (Loud Mouth- lol she’ll love that title) to pick up her report card at her high school. June 25th, 2002 to be exact. Yeah. Anyways, the night before my aunt and uncle asked me to sleep over and I really really didn’t want to but my parents thought it was a good idea, and that I would have fun. To be honest, their house used to smell (I don’t know why! But I never told them) and The Loud Mouth always wanted to talk and do all sorts of activities. I was kind of a lazy kid. So, I got bullied into sleeping over, even though I didn’t really have clothes to wear the next day and would have to wear the same outfit I was wearing (quelle catostraphie!). On the bright side, my aunt used to let The Loud Mouth wear eye liner (even though she’s a year younger then me) and I got to wear some too for the first time!! *All you girls out there get me*

So I went with her to the school and we were planning to go out for breakfast afterwards and then to her nonnas. That’s when I saw him. I swear to god I still remember every little detail about it, in fact, I even wrote a short essay for my English class on it (how corny). It was love at first sight, I’m not kidding. I fell madly passionately in love with him in a second. He was tall, and built and had the most adorable smile! We barely even spoke but he walked The Loud Mouth and I to the bus stop and gave us both a hug. So that’s where it all began. I won’t go into all the details, maybe I’ll post the essay later on, but I basically fell in love with him and he broke my heart. Did I mention that The Loud Mouth set me up with him, while he was dating her best friend? Yeah. He cheated on me the entire time and ever since then we’ve kinda been on and off. Well, more like, we text message each other and he sees me in between his girlfriends (and while- although I usually don’t know he has one until afterwards). Why am I so in love with this loser? I HAVE NO IDEA! I swear, there’s something about him that I absolutely cannot resist, ever.

From the age of 14 until I was about 17 I would do anything for The Player. He would say jump and I’d ask how high. It was rather pitiful. In fact, even while I was with The Ex, I still held a torch for The Player. I mean, I loved them both but in totally different ways. When we started college and actually went to the same school together, it got a little easier. My first semester really taught me a lot and I guess I kinda was able to push everything away from me. Seeing him everyday desensitized my emotions- sorta. I still got these wild crazy butterflies when he would walk into the caf or through the halls, but I was able to control it. I even learned how to stop shaking around him.

The Player always cheats on every single one of his girlfriends yet somehow, I’m always still there in the picture. When he was in the hospital because his lung collapsed, he called me and begged me to go see him, which of course I did. (I was hysterical btw). I also ran into his at the moment girlfriend and it was super awkward. Sigh. Anyways, we have this sort of connection (although a lot of you would say it’s not a connection) and I’ve always felt attached to him. We could not talk for months but then when we would again, it’s as though nothing ever happened. He was my first love, my first kiss and will always have a special place in my heart.

We used to keep our flirting to just flirting, although I guess many (as would i) would consider what we did emotional cheating. He would text me, call me occasionally, and cam me online. Send me kisses; tell me all sorts of things he should not be saying to anyone other than his girlfriend. I know it’s wrong, and I would tell him. Often. But it somehow didn’t really matter to him, and I could never turn him away.

This summer, on our anniversary actually (yes, I retardedly celebrate it alone every year) he randomly messaged me saying he was coming to see me. It was one in the morning, and I knew I should have said no but I didn’t. God he is so beautiful.

We drove around and then parked in the parking lot of an arena and just kinda talked for an hour. Then the flirting and innuendo began, and he kept trying to kiss my neck or caress me. He has a girlfriend, who he’s been with for over a year. I’m not stupid, he’s probably cheated on her many times before but this is the one thing that I’m very against, especially considering I know just how badly it hurts. But when I look into his eyes, I just can’t say no. To anything he asks of me.

We ended up in the back of his car (oh no) and had sex. Kind of. He stopped like, one eight into it because according to him, we had been talking about this moment for ever and he doesn’t want our first time together to be in a car. Which, I guess is kind of cute if you don’t consider the fact that a) he has a gf b) he already started and hel-lo I would like him to finish c) he has a gf. Did I mention he has a gf? I was pretty grumpy afterwards and felt super guilty, as I should. God! This is the only reason why I would call anyone a slut. So yeah, I’m a slut.

Oh and I forgot to mention that when he drove me home he told me to call him, and I said he could call me. Which he didn’t, in case you were wondering. Yeah.

The Question of Moving Out

2007-08-06T19:40:00.000-07:00

Okay so, the Family Drama has continued and escaladed into such a confusing mess that I'm completly lost at what to do.

I went to the apartment with The Parents on Sunday to sign the lease. They liked it, but they measured the room and there's no way that I can possibly fit half of my furniture into the room. Bye bye Queen Bed. I couldn't even fit a double. Could I manage with a single? I also can't fit my dresser with the mirror. So basically, I would have to buy a single bed, and I would only have the man's dresser and two nightstands. Please take into consideration that I work at a boutique and have, currently, an entire closet + a man's bureau + the vanity table with mirror + two night stands filled with clothes. They started to really freak me out with the size of the apartment, saying none of my clothes would fit and asking questions like, where would I study etc. Also, they kept saying how the price was high (550$ a month, heating/electricity/hot water/internet included) considering that I would be out most of the time at school and at work. But I was stubborn.

We went into the kitchen to look at the lease and I was about to sign but The Parents kept asking questions so The Sister called her dad. He kinda started to freak out and then insisted on seeing the lease before anything was signed. So we left and she told me she would call me when it was ready.

IS THAT NOT A SIGN?

Honestly, is that not a sign? I'm a big believer in Fate and Signs and all that mambo jumbo lol. This is clearly a sign no?

Anyways, The Parents have just told me that The Evil Twin has two weeks to find an apartment, and he is for sure moving out. Part of me so wants to believe that, but another part of me is like, yeah okay! How many times have I heard that? But seeing as it's causing major drama between my parents, and my mother has left this week to go to my uncles, I think its legit. They've told me that they do not want me to move out because it'll put pressure of me for school, and I'll be crammed in a much smaller room than I have now and there's no real place for me to do my studying. They even said (since I got transferred downtown) that they would pick me up after work. They think I should save the money I would potentially give for rent and get a car (like that idea).

Now, part of me is like super relieved because I was kinda terrified of moving out on my own. I was partly excited too but then I kept thinking about all the bills, and studying I have to do if I want to get into the Honours Program at McGill, plus I have a shopping addiction and would have to give up a lot of luxuries. I mean, I guess it is possible but I've always said that I wouldn't move out until I at least have my BA if not my MA. Also, (and no, I'm not spoiled) but there are so many things that everyone who lives at home takes for granted. For example, my parents still do my laundry. They make sure we have soap, and shampoo and toothpaste. They stuff our pantries with food, buy me my birth control pills and do so many other stupid little every day things that I can't even think of. It's such a huge responsability to take on, and I'm starting University.

On the other hand, I already made all my plans to move out. I got transferred downtown, I worked out my schedule so I could work more hours, and I told The Sister yes. The last part is what really freaks me out! How am I supposed to call her and tell her, no sorry? IT'S THE FOOTBALL PLAYER'S SISTER!! Sigh.

I went to the gym for a couple of hours and really thought about it and decided that part of the reason why I was moving in was mainly because of The Football Player. I couldn't really base my entire future on the idea that he could potentially notice me. I guess it was some way of me holding on to him when I know that once school starts, and we're in different areas, we're never going to see each other. Thinking about the appartment, it is really expensive for what it offers and I could find (and did) so many others that were not only cheaper, but more convenient for my needs. And to be honest, now that The Evil Twin is moving out, I don't want to. It's really scary being a grown up! I mean, I've had to act like the mature adult in my family because of all the drama, but being completly independent (and alone) is so terrifying! But so is calling The Sister.

Sigh.

I called her anyways and it was so incredibly awkward. I kinda raced through something the lines of, I went home with the measurements of the room and realized that there was no way I would be able to fit half of my stuff inside and it's just really not convenient or manageable for me to live in that size of a room. I'm very sorry and I hope you find someone soon. It was rather awkward, and I couldn't wait to get off the phone! I felt so incredibly guilty but she was as nice as she could be. Sigh.

So, now I'm not moving out. I'm potentially getting a car. Oh, and since I don't have to pay the 550$ september rent, I'm going to New York. Yay!

So Much To Update!!!

2007-08-06T13:11:00.000-07:00

Okay so, so much has happened in the past 4 days that I don't even know where to begin! Let me start with The Football Player story that I promised in the last post.

So after I went to go see The Sister, I had the urge to see The Football Player. Even though I gave him so much attitude and told him that I didn't want anything to do with him. Okay, so he has the right to call me crazy now. Anyways, I txted him (isn't it amazing how our generation is so impersonal now? I didn't want to be rejected on the phone) asking what he was doing and if he wanted to get together. And he agreed. We're so crazy together, honestly! One minute we'll be yelling (usually me, but hey! sometimes he does too) and then the next minute we're acting all nice and cute with each other. God, i make myself sick.

Anyways, I drove out to St-Laurent, which for some reason is where we always end up meeting and he was with his friend. His friend was going to take the metro home so I offered to drive him home. I so did not realize it was on another planet, and well, I feel kinda bad for the guy cuz it was so awkward being in the car with us two. The Football Player kept asking me about why I was moving out, which FYI, totally not the right moment since a) i'm driving b) your friends in the car!!. God boys are so stupid. Anyways, I drove the friend home and then drove The Football Player home and he had the balls to be insulted and hurt that I wouldn't open up to him about what was going on with me, and why I wanted to move out. Oh, and he said I should have called him, I always used to.

GAHHHHHHHHH.

Is he dense? Like, I seriously exploded on him at that point. How dare HE feel insulted and hurt that I didn't and wouldn't open up to him? I would LOVE to if he didn't keep disappearing in and out of my life whenever he feels like it. I would except that everytime I make myself vulnerable to him he ends up stabbing me in the heart. I would love to talk to him but you know what, it's not his job to take care of me. I've accepted the fact that he's not there for me, and I cant depend on him. Urg.

Oh, while I went ballistic on him I kinda sarcastically asked when he started to care again and he answered, I always cared. Cue happy music and birds singing and the chorus of aws. Yeah, my heart kinda melted a bit.

I drove him to his house (which, was the first time I had seen where it was) and he asked me for a kiss on the cheek. Then he gave me the other cheek and I told him he could kiss my cheek once and awhile too (I'm always the one kissing him). So he kissed my cheek but god he has such wonderful lips, so big and soft and he knows just what he's doing (all that practice, urg) and yeah, I blushed like some silly little school girl. Of course he noticed. And that was the end of our night.

The Consequences of Choices

2007-08-01T19:06:00.000-07:00

So The Evil Twin went totally psycho today, practically threatened me (again) and made my mom leave the house.
Yeah.

Would you all like to know why?

Apparently, the dog we're babysitting shat in his bed and he couldn't stand it. Did I mention that he didn't bother to pick it up? He rolled over (btw, it's incredibly stinky) and refused to pick it up. It's in his bed. He eventually went downtstairs, and both my dog and the dog we're babysitting followed him down. Then, the dog puked. I guess she's homesick and she hasn't been feeling well so it's not really her fault. Anyways, my brother went mental.

Over dog shit and puke.

Doesn't take much does it? So when he came screaming upstairs (apparently I'm the maid) I casually said "I guess you're not going to clean that up either" to which he went ballistic, threatened to put me in my place and started insulting me.

The Best Friend and The Cousin came over and it was totally awkward because

1- The Evil Twin (in his insanity) had his gangster music blaring, and was attemtping to rap.
Seriously, I think I was adopted.

2- He was also half naked (only bottom pants) and had that crazy look in his eye.

3- He wouldn't talk, at all, made a huge mess in the kitchen and cleaned up nothing. Oh, and the dog shit? Still in his bed.

Anyways, the three of us (me, The Best Friend and The Cousin) kinda stayed in our corner and tanned all day. My mom called me a couple of times and apparently all this Family Drama is my fault. God. Honestly, I'm really fed up of being the scape goat to everything. Yeah, his little freakout is exactly why I won't go to family therapy. His little freakout is exactly why I'm not going to play nice and pretend everything that happened, didn't happen. Oh and my mother decided to convince herself that the reason I'm moving out is not, I repeat, is not because of The Evil Twin. Right, because I really need the stress of living on my own, paying for everything including food, rent, telephone etc. AND starting my first semester at McGill. Because I really want to work 5 days a week. URG.

So apparently, while I was at the gym, The Evil Twin got into it with The Parents and my mother freaked out and left. I should feel bad right? She called my aunt crying saying she couldn't take it anymore but I've heard that a million times before. Honestly, when she can take it he can stay. When she can't, he gets kicked out. What about me? How exactly am I the selfish one? They put up, tolerate and encourage his crazy behaviour so they should deal with the consequences. He shouldn't even be back in the house but he is. So I'm sorry if I don't feel bad because she has to deal with the consequences of her choices.

On another note, I saw the Football Player after I saw The Sister, but that's a whole other post for tomorrow. I'm too tired now!

The Sister

2007-07-31T17:20:00.001-07:00

Wowwwwwww!
I don't even know where to start...

Yesterday The Football Player called me and I hung up on him. Then I messaged him saying "i don't want to talk to you so don't bother calling me or even messaging me back for that matter". Naturally, the crazy self that I am, I waited for him to message back. He just said okay whatever. Then I let my insane self go into full panic mode. What if The Sister spoke to him? He never calls me (especially not at 8 pm, if he does its more like 3 am). Then I thought to myself, what if he called because something's wrong? So, the idiot that I am, I messaged him around 11 pm asking if he was okay and if he had called me for anything important. To which he replied, why are you messaging me? Okay, granted, I was rude to him first but he totally deserves it. Urg! I was so angry I just went to bed.

Anyways, so today was the day I meet The Sister who might potentially turn into The Roomate and I was SUPER nervous! My aunt drove me to the metro (cuz I had went downtown with my cousin to watch a movie) and I was a little early -forty five minutes- so I went shopping at a boutique right next door. The Football Player called me from this totally weird new number and asked why I was talking to his sister and what was I trying to sell to her. Apparently, she buys a lot of stuff off ebay etc etc. I just kinda brushed him off and hung up quickly, not explaining anything. The The Sister called me, saying she was outside. Then The Football Player called me, but I hung up on him *blush*.

So I get along super well with The Sister. Like, amazingly so! Football Player called her, then me (again, I didn't pick up). I bet he was freaking out wondering what I was doing with his sister LOL. Good, serves him right. He left me some cryptic message saying to relax and asking if I was trying to get info on him and get in the family (urg!). He is so cocky sometimes! I even told him to get over himself and that his over inflated ego should be deflated :)

The appartment, by the way, is super cute and so close to the metro! I think if The Roomate says he can't move out, then I'm going to take this one (yikes). I know it's totally weird that it's The Football Player's sister, but she's totally cool and the appartment is super awesome for me! In fact, I'm kinda hoping that The Roomate says he can't move out (how awful of me!). I only find out tomorrow morning though, and then I have to call to confirm or reject the appartment with The Sister. Oh, and now The Football Player is harassing me to know why I'm moving out blah blah. I guess I missed the memo saying he cares. Sigh.

Drama, Drama, Drama

2007-07-30T18:07:00.000-07:00

Soooooooooo it's The Football Player's sister. Yeah, it's been confirmed. I asked her through an email (im so chicken) and we're meeting up tomorrow so I can see the appartment.

I swear to god I'm not a stalker.

I can't really tell her, no sorry I'm not interested in the appartment anymore cuz I hate your brother. But it would be TOTALLY insanely weird if I moved in with his sister! How awkward! How bizarre! How stalkerish!

Yesterday, btw, The Football Player messaged me to come see him and I politely told him no thank you. To which he responded, duck you. Yeah, he can't even take the time to make sure he spelled it properly. Honestly, this kid is so incredibly childish! Just because he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it he gets all grumpy and mean. Am I really supposed to drop everything just because the all mighty one decided to pay attention to me? In any case, I was busy and he hasn't spoken to me in ages! Why would I go visit him? Especially after he ignores me all the time!

See.. this is making me incredibly nervous about The Sister. Like, wtf?! Some little twisted part of my screwed up brain though is day dreaming of me moving in with The Sister, and The Football Player coming over and he falls madly in love with me. The Sister adores me, and I get introduced to the family and everyone lives happily ever after. God, how gay am I. But really, I can't think of things like this! First off, I did not plan for it to be The Sister, and I can't make my decision based on the potential outcome of the situation if I do move in with The Sister. Things could go drastically wrong like, The Sister and I could hate each other (although I doubt it). The Football Player sees me as part of The Family a.k.a. not the girlfriend. But hey! Do I even want him to think of me as the girlfriend? He's a loser who treated me like poo for the longest time and he hurt me so much. He got me so attatched and I trusted him completly only to be completly betrayed by him. Ahhhhh this is so confusing!! This is too much drama for my little brain, I'm going to bed.

It's A Small & Cruel World

2007-07-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

I sincerely think that God hates me.
Or likes to use my life an entertainment, in a sick and twisted way.
Sigh.

So after sending out a couple of emails to postings on craigslist.org looking for roomates, I got a couple of responses. Some were weirdos - delete. Others were potentials so I kept them and intend to respond when I get my response from The Roomate. Yeah, I'm a little paranoid with having everything prepared. A backup plan for the backup plan.

One of the posts was an appartment with a fireplace, everything included, and an awesome rent price. It was a little farther than I wanted to be, but still on the green metro line so it's not so bad. It also happens to be The Football Players sister. Ohmygod.

I saw her name and was like :O! How many people have the EXACT same name? And, his last name is not that common. Now, it's going to look like I'm totally stalking him. So naturally I called The Best Friend for help in a full on panic mode.

She laughed.

Okay, so I guess it is pretty amusing if it's not happening to you BUT it's happening to me and I NEED SUPPORT. Sigh. What are the chances!! I can't not respond, since that would be rude and she told me she was very interested to meet up to see if we were compatable (wow sounds like we're about to date). If I make up an excuse, well there's always the possibility that she somehow mentions my name or hears it or whatever and then what? What to do, what to do, what to do...

On another note, The Football Player text messaged me today asking what I was doing and to go see him. I said, in these exact words, "no thank you :)". Polite no? And he told me to fuck off. When I told him how attractive that was, he simply messaged back a whatever. Okay so I know he sounds like a complete asshole (which he's behaving like) but he's really not. At least he wasn't. I guess I should be happy since he's making things slightly easier (or at least, they should be).

I feel like I'm in the Jim Carrey movie where his entire life is being filmed and his whole city is really just a set but he doesn't know. Okay, you can stop filming! Life can't possibly be this cruel :(

Roomate Wanted?

2007-07-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

The Roomate has decided to tell me, on Saturday, that he's still waiting for Dawson to approve his application. The application allows him to get a loan from the government where half of it is like free money (for rent, food, etc) because he has to move out since going college is too far for him. The other half he needs to pay back. Apparently, Dawson hasn't confirmed that he lives too far and has too travel too much meaning, he might not get the loan. Which, apparently means he's not moving out. Which, he decided to tell me 2 weeks after we've already been looking and planning our stuff. Yeah.

Did I mention that we (me) found the PERFECT appartment, five minutes away from McGill University, in the heart of downtown in the cutest area. It actually has 2 bedrooms, a beautiful open living room and a cutesy kitchen and bathroom? It's for sure gone now because we couldn't sign anything since he's not sure now. Wouldn't it have been wonderful if he told me this beforeeeeee I wasted all my time looking at and for appartments? Either way I need to move out by September so I need to find an appartment. I can't believe he's just waiting!!! Urg.

We're almost in august! I need to know ASAP. The wrost part is I totally fell in love with this appartment and I want it!!! Why would you waste my time making me go look at all these appartments if we can't even sign yet? We might as well have just waited until it was confirmed! So now I'm looking on craigslist.org (which btw, has like everything) for people looking for roomates. It's a little scary because well, you don't really know the people and you're planning to move in with them. Some are really creepy, like 30 yr old males looking for roomates. Others are pretty cool. I found some pretty awesome appartments with good people, I just need to go and meet them and view the appartment for myself before I make a decision. Plus, the prices are super awesome, everything included.

Now, I just need to know if the Roomate is in or out. Because honestly, I can't keep waiting for The Evil Twin to explode. It's like I hear the ticking of the bomb, but can't find the key to the locked door.

Fight For Me

2007-07-29T15:02:00.000-07:00

I called the The Football Player on Thursday, only because I'm incredibly stupid and like to be hurt. Yeah. Because if I were smart I would just leave him alone. But somehow, someway, I always end up pressing five. Yeah, he's still on my speed dial. So, I think i called and hung up about fifty times before I finally let it ring all the way. I kept arguing with myself, and naturally the stupid part of me won. I really shouldn't have called because

1- I was still angry because he just stopped talking to me on msn after I said I wouldn't go see him
2- He never calls me and I should stop chasing after something that isn't going to happen
and
3- If he's not calling, he's not thinking of me me = he just doesn't care

Anyways, I did call and he picked up saying: why do you always call at the worst times. Well, at least I actually call is what I should have said. Usually people answer with a hi, is another thing I could have said. I said neither, instead, I meekly asked why it was a bad time. Seriously, I can be so pathetic sometimes. He kinda rmabled on about how he was on his way downtown to go to a club and he was going to call me (but he didn't) to meet up with him while he was at his friends house but he didn' want to make me drive all around (if we're going to believe this). Then he told me about his party on Friday and if I was going to be around there blah blah. I just wanted to run off the phone so I told him to have a good time and hung up as quickly as I could.

Seriously, why do I keep calling? Why do I keep arguing with him or even bothering to try? The worst part is, that after he does something stupid or hurtful I always have the best comebacks and speeches. God he makes me so mad! I am so tired of always trying to be apart of his life. I'm tired of working so hard to get just a hi from him. Is it so difficult for him to pay me the slightest attention? He makes it seem as though I'm asking for the world. I'm just fed up of these waiting games and of being hurt and of feeling as though I'm not even good enough to talk to. Put a little bit of effort. It scares me too because i know this is the last shot he's going to get, and he's screwing it all up. We're going to different schools, I'm going to be busy and I just don't want it to be completly over. But it is.

I don't really know what I expect from him. Actually, I do- it's just pretty stupid and naive of me. I want him to fight for me, to fight to keep me apart of his life. Even after I say all these speeches in my head, telling him exactly how I feel, being strong and doing what's right for me, my little imagination goes off and says what he would say. That he loves me and that he's sorry and that he doesn't want to lose me. But if I'm honest with myself, he doesn't care if he loses me. If he did, he wouldn't be taking the risks he's taking now. I keep thinking that when I'm finally gone he'll realize what he had and he'll come back bla bla but how long can I hold on to that pathetic dream? Don't I deserve someone who knows NOW what he has, and does everything he can to not lose it?

I say all this and still I want him to fight for me. When am I gonna stop caring?

Platonic Love

2007-07-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

I used to be madly, passionately in love with this guy. I mean, head over heals, love at first sight kinda thing. I was in grade 5. LOL. We dated in high school for less than a month (i got over my crush as soon as I got him- how awful) but somehow we've now become super close friends! He's really awesome; funny, super smart (honours, science, scholarship, valedictorian for both high school AND Cegep) and one of the most charismatic guys you'll ever meet. To add onto it, he's one of the kindest, most sincere people you'll ever meet. I'm so lucky to have him in my life!

When we started Cegep, somehow, everyone knew that we dated. It was really strange. We don't flirt (well not really, just goofy stuff) and we don't act like a couple, but you can tell that there's an intimacy between us that's grown over the years. The new friends I made in Cegep would always ask me why I didn't go for him; for some reason, a guy and a girl can't possibly be JUST friends. But we are. I really feel as though we're brothers and sisters.

He went to Europe this summer for about 2 months and I miss him like crazy. He's super brave like that, going away BY HIMSELF to a whole other world. Last summer he came by my house and brought me flowers, just like that. He wanted to be spontaneous <- how cute!. Yes I swear, we're just friends.

So today, while I was showering, he called FROM EUROPE!!! He left me the cutest voicemail ever and I was so bummed that I missed his call! I carried my cell phone on me the whole day afterwards, even though I was working and I'm technically not allowed to. Was I ever glad I did! He called me at around 7 and I was so freaking excited to hear from him! It was really weird though, because after I ran to the back to pick up his call, I had this goofy smile on my face and I kept blabbing about the 8 minute call. Which is ridiculous, because 1- he's just a friend 2- it's one phone call and 3- he's just a friend. I mean, he really truly is. It would be totally weird to look at him in any other way. So whyyyyyyyy on earth did I keep blabbing about it? Why was I being so silly?

Is it possible to be just friends with someone of the opposite sex? I mean, I think it is. But today, well, today I wasn't as sure as I usually am.

The Football Player and The Game Part 2

2007-07-26T08:39:00.001-07:00

Boys, let this be a lesson to you. Even if you're suddenly not interested in the girl after you have sex with her, even if she cries during (I didn't do this by the way, I'm just saying the worst scenarios), no matter what, do not not call her afterwards. I guarantee you, it'll be a lot less painful and sticky when you do stop calling her.

We were fighting a lot, on the rare occasions we did talk, and okay, I get it, who wants to bother calling someone if all you do is fight with them right? BUT ITS HIS FAULT. Sigh. So I got really drunk at my friend's birthday party and called him. Not the brightest plan I've ever had in my life. I basically told him that I was in love with him and he was an asshole for using me the way he did and very pathetic because if he was going to use me, he could have had more than a one night stand with me (I'm not bitter?). How did he respond? He was cute and sweet and begged me to go see him. Which I did. Yes, I drove drunk but it had been two hours since I had been drinking and I just thought that maybe if I saw him face to face it would work out. H ecame in the car and of course, just wanted to have sex. I'm stupid. I actually thought that he wanted to see me to talk to me and tell me how he felt. So I started to cry, really pathetically, and he told me that we would see each other the next day (saturday) where we could both talk soberly and calmly, kissed me on the cheek and left.

No, he didn't call.

Yes, I'm pathetically naive and thought he would.

I did call him the following week and you wanna know what he said? I did freak out on him, fine, but I am so tired of his stupid mind games. Just apologize for what you did, understand that it's wrong and let me move on instead of trying to string me along. Nope, he did none of this. He just repeated everything that I've said to him ("it's cuz I'm an asshole"). He had no response, no defense, NOTHING.

So it's established that he's an asshole. But it still really, really hurts and I still, for God know's what reason, can't let him go. Why do I keep thinking he's going to change? Why do we women do this?

I went to go see him last week because I hadn't seen him since April and yeah, he's an asshole but he's an asshole that I really miss. It went pretty well, nothing happened between us although there was the like want to from both of us. He even asked me if I made room for him in my schedule next semester. (Cute!!!). I left, and honestly I felt like a sense of closure. It hurts, I miss him but he's not who he was and he won't magically turn into it anyways. We spoke this week and he told me how much he missed me and that he was thinking about me all day bla bla bla. Yes boys, I stupidely fell for it. It's established that all he wants is sex from me. It's just that when he tells me all those sweet things, I kinda stupidely melt :(. He wanted me to go see him (which I would have went if I had been allowed to take my parents' car) and I said no and he stopped talking to me. Yeah.

I hate him.

The Football Player and The Game

2007-07-25T20:16:00.000-07:00

I hate him :)

Is there a particular reason why guys like to play The Game? I hate The Game. What is the point of playing with someone's head, like really? There are plenty of girls (especially in this millenium) that are more than willing to be fuck friends. Friends with benefits. Wham bam thank you mam. Why, oh why, do you losers feel the need to devote your time and attention into an almost relationship only to leave RANDOMLY after you get whatever it is you wanted? Ummmmmm?

I used to be awesome at The Game. No honestly, I was like, The Queen. Maybe I have bad Karma and God is punishing me, although to be fair, I never ever intentionally hurt anyone. In fact, I was so good at The Game that I got them to fall for me like that *snaps fingers* but managed to not send them signals that would get their hopes up. That's how good I was.

And them somewhere, along the years of stupid awful high school, I managed to actually fall in love. Which, by the way, is awful. I won't bore you with the details of The Ex, but it was bad. So I got pretty fucked up from there on. Well, to be fair, I was probably a little bit cracked before The Ex came along, but he just broke me.

So when I started college I met The Football Player. Who, by the way ladies, is a gorgeous 6'5 (well, apparently now he's 6'6 but whateverrrrrrrr how do boys grow STILL?) charismatic and funny guy. So The Football Player went to high school with The Ex, and of course, (because it was High School after all), knows all about me. He introduces himself and we kind hit it off from there. We started seeing each other (i guess?) for most of first semester. Until, he suddenly stops calling me. Yup ladies, the sudden disappearence act. Which, I was very hurt by but at the time The Ex came back into my life so I threw myself into that (big mistake). The Football Player came back into my life 2nd semester/ish when I was having problems with The Ex (long story). His explanation? Apparentlyyyyy he heard that I said he gave me an std from oral sex. Which, btw, so not true. Like, for starters, if it HAD been true, would I really go around broadcasting this? No. Especially since nobody knew we were fooling around. And then, if this was said about you, would you not confront the person? Especially since its not true? Was I not good enough to confront? You know, the whole, don't bother there not worth it bla bla crap that nobody ever really listens to when they still care. But this is insulting towards him seeing as, you know, its not true. And why is he suddenly talking to me again? Anywaysssssss I fell for his excuse (I swear, I did get accepted to McGill, I'm not a complete morron). I stopped talking to one of my close friends because of this (she apparently started the rumor).

Summer comes along and we somewhat talk, but it's still awkward cuz we had stopped talking for such a long period. Then 3rd semester starts and we kept seeing each other cuz our schedules were perfectly in sync and it was like nothing ever happened. The Football Player keeps hitting on me and trying to hook up but I was still hurt by the sudden abandonment (i have those issues) and I didn't want to get hurt. Now, as I type this, I realize it's pretty stupid because it was as if we were dating without the title. We spoke every single day (literally), hung out together in school and we're really close. In fact, most people assumed I was his girlfriend. In December, when he went to visit his mom in Calgary, he called me. Everyday.

So the last semester starts and I'm totally into The Football Player but I'm dumb and I refuse to think that maybe he won't hurt me. See, The Football Player totally gets me, inside and out. I'll say one thing, but he knows I mean another. And he knows how to treat me when I'm sad/angry/whatever and always always always knows what to say to make me feel better. He was 100% there for me when The Ex was using me and he would listen to me cry on the phone and not get mad if I just wanted to cry and not talk but still have him there. He was compassionate, and understanding and really gentle with me. Did I also mention totally funny and adorable too? Yeah I don't know why I fucked this up. See, The Football Player has all these amazing qualities that, well, every girl in the entire Cegep has noticed. He's super popular and I didn't particularly feel like participating in a competition. Then there's the whole, he's black he'll cheat on you thing that some retard at my work decided to tell me constantly. Which made me super paranoid.

The Football Player and I went through this whole back and forth game, which I guess can be my fault too. I'll take responsibility but you know, I was scared. And I've been hurt REALLY badly in the past. Yes yes I know, it's not an excuse, but it's kind of an explanation. Anyways we made plans on Valentine's Day- I would make him breakfast and then we would go to the metro together, him to school me to the doctor (regular check up). He came over and I was sooooooooo nervous! Shaking jittering nervous. My chocolate chip pancakes came out o-kay and we went upstairs to my bedroom afterwards (he took control and wanted to go there.. umm wonder why). We slid into bed and cuddled. For 2 hours. Yes boys, he had me in bed and cuddled me for 2 hours! It was the cutest, most loving experience I've ever had. To just lie in his arms, having him rub my back and just kinda breathing near me. I can't even describe the feeling of complete and utter comfortableness and tenderness and wow. So we had sex. Twice :)

We walked to the bus stop to go to the metro where he ran into his friend (a chick) and 1- didn't introduce me 2- said he was visiting a "friend" <- who he just has sex with. Yeah. Not feeling so great anymore. Oh but it gets worse. We get on the bus and he turns on his MP3 or whatever music thing on. Yeah. Completly and totally ignores me. Cuz I definitely don't feel vulnerable and hurt at all now! When we get off the bus he pecks me on the cheek and tells me he'll call me.

Okay so, I could be reading into it more than I should. I just feel very vulnerable. Did he call? No. Oh and by the way, we had plans on that same Friday (2 days after Vday) that he never called to cancel but forgot. Yeah. He called me about a week later where I decided to play cool and tell him I was busy. And then we stopped talking for a month. A month.

Apparently I'm crazy for feeling hurt and used and betrayed. Because, I'm not his girlfriend and he doesn't have to call me everyday and I expect too much of him. Despite the fact that he's been calling me everyday for almost a year even when he's out of town. Yeah. He feels that he shouldn't always have to chase me and he also felt that the time to really show me that would be right after we have sex for the first time when I'm terrified to trust him and have been used in the past. He's smart eh my football player. Genius.

Anyways this story is pretty long and was just the prelude to what happened recently. I'll continue tomorrow!

On The Hunt

2007-07-25T20:02:00.000-07:00

Have any of you ever been apartment hunting?
It is SO HARD!!!

First off, there's the whole price and location. The Roomate and I have been searching on craigslist.com (which has EVERYTHING) and we've been to a couple. Now, I always search for apartments with pictures only, because I don't want to waste my time looking at something that I know I won't like. Fine, I'm picky. Apparently, The Roomate thinks that we could be missing out on the OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFETIME and The One could slip us by. Well let me tell you about The One.

The One is located on Sherbrooke Street which, okay, not particularly as close as I would like to be to McGill, but manageable. It's also in a very run down, ghetto area that, yes, smells like cat pee. Have you smelled 2 week old cat pee? Not pleasant. So I immediately would like to turn back to the car and hide, but that would be rude. So we wait. And wait. And yes, we wait some more.

The One seems to be rented by a very lazy, forgetful and rather stupid female who left us waiting there for 10 minutes. Is she not supposed to want to sell her apartment as soon as possible? She opened the door for us and led us through a narrow hallway that had a stench of vomit. Probably from the person who stood outside in the pee infested entrance. The apartment, more like a room, is painted neon green and is about the size of my current washroom. I'm not joking. It has two "bedrooms"- one the size of my closet, the other a little larger. Okay, so I sound a bit snobby right? Did i mention that, along with the neon green living room/entrance/eating area, it has a fushia pink bedroom and an orange "bedroom"? Oh and the kitchen, about twice my size in width, has a 10 year old stove. The Roomate still has hope. He wants to see the bathroom. The bathroom, I won't even complain about the size, has a 50's style bath tub with a shower head and a see through curtain (the point?). Yeah. This is why I check pictures :)

There was another apartment we saw, coincidently not far from The One, which is beautiful. A newly renovated kitchen (yay!!!) and a newly renovated washroom, three bedrooms and a living room. Why am I not there signing the lease? Well, the living room is closed off, which major no no for all you designers out there and the kitchen comes with no appliances. So we're still looking.

The Hunt continues tomorrow! Stay tuned.

Hello World!

2007-07-21T15:24:00.000-07:00

I'm a little new to this whole blogging concept, although I have previously (and quite unsuccessfully) tried it before. I love writting, but nobody writes in a diary anymore; it's all about the newest, trendiest technology. I guess eblog is the new journal right? Anyways, I'm addicted to cosmo's bedroom blog and the new Dear World.. So i figured I'd start my own. Before anyone asks, I'll give you a little background on who I am.

I'm nineteen years old and I live in the ever so boring Laval. For those of you who have been to Laval, well, you know where I'm coming from. All that's about to change soon though because I'm looking for an appartment to share with my best friend (male) downtown before I begin my first semester at McGill (yay!). Pretty exciting right? And i guess you could say, totally and utterly terrifying! For starters, I'm a complete disaster with directions and areas and it takes me about forever to learn where I'm going. Second off, bills bills bills (doesn't that remind you of the Destiny's Child song? ha..). I can afford it, but my shopping addiction may suffer a set back. It'll save me on the therapy though. God am I such a shopaholic! And then, of course, comes the whole fear of being alone. Which, by the way, you will see creeping about as I blog more and more. Boys boys boys. God. Of course I have The Roomate (which is what my bst friend/roomate will be known as), but living in such close quarters may cram our friendship. And we have such drastically different styles! Yikes.

I'm also moving because of Family Drama. My twin (noooo you dirty boys out there, it is not a female twin) has, well, lets say "special needs" along with quite a temper. And by "special needs" I mean, needs to get exactly what he wants, when he wants. It got really bad 4ish years ago, when he decided to use the walls or better yet, my face, as his punching bag. My parents like me to never bring that "incident" up. He's been kicked out on and off again <- sounds like a bad relationship huh? -> and the last time it was The Last Straw. My parents seemed to have a lot more straws on their end though because of course he came back. That, of course, created a whole new set of problems since my father had sworn up and down that Evil Twin would never be back if I didn't press charges ("Incident" number 2). In any case, my built up anger/resentment combined with the impossibility of living with Evil Twin and upcoming university is what's making me move out.

Okay so that's pretty much where I'm at now. Naturally theres the whole Love Drama that I have in my life (which has been apart of my life since I was, oh, about five) but that'll be a whole other blog. Until then, bye loves!